Not Yet!

December 21, 2012 12:30 a.m. Today when I close my eyes I sense a lonely me. Or to be precise the me who is all alone. Being lonely or being alone could mean two different things. But let's not get into that. My current life could be described as a series of events which could be portrayed as the big bang theory. Only that the big bang theory gave birth to a solid earth and here I am trying to collect the pieces of me after this BIG BANG ! Its as if I attract mess like a magnet. I could define my current state as a happy state too. But I might sound totally crazy if I say I'm happy. To be more accurate I am standing by my decision with a hope that happiness will follow. This assumption may or may not be true in the end of my story. I could very well be sitting and cribbing right now. "What wrong did I do to deserve this?" Or "Why me? Always??". But I won't do any of that. I never feel sorry for myself. It is as if the whole purpose of my living is to keep going, keep exploring what life has in store for me and try my best to keep myself together in all circumstances. I know this post might be judged as a completely eccentric post. But I had to vent out. Because of no other reason than I am tired. The energy in me has drained. I want to fall like a log but my only fear is the ground on which I fall might not be strong enough to hold me. I want to give up and hibernate, just cut myself off, without having to make an effort to explain myself to me or to anyone else. I might have big warm drops of tears rolling down my cheeks right now while I am typing this because may be I am realising that I don't have the luxury to give up. I have to keep fighting till the end. I can't give my arms up because I can't accept being imprisoned. Not yet ! Letting the tears dry, The Pink Orchid

Voices in My Head

I need something to overcome the voices in my head. As night falls, the voices in my head get as loud as they can. Sometimes sad, sometimes happy, sometimes thrilled, sometimes depressed, they make sure I don't sleep. Exhausted, being weak, distracting myself with reading, tv, internet, Ah nothing helps. Its strange how this works!

Like right now, I know I need to sleep. I have to see a doctor tomorrow, practically today, its way past midnight. I have got to be in office in time. Cooking breakfast, lunch, cleaning utensils, washing clothes.. A lot of work is pending for the morning. But sleep is far far away from my eyes.

What am I thinking? Anything specific? Nope! Its a plethora of multi coloured thoughts. So many plans, certain complaints, inconveniences, worries, few joys, people around, work (both official and personal). It is as if a lot of thoughts keep waiting for the night to fall so that they could sabotage my mind and take away my peace.

While I am typing this, I, suddenly, felt something nice. My eyes are getting heavier. I can hear dreams calling. Peace is taking me in its arms. Yay! Writing does help. I'm feeling so light. Okay so before I start dancing because of the fact I blogged, let me just go sleep.

Good night y'all,

The Pink Orchid

If I Write Today..

If I write today,

I might end up drenching the paper,
With water,
Warm with anger,
Salty with disappointment.

If I write today,

I might end up saying too much,
Things that might not be rosy or kind.

If I write today,

I'll realize I have failed.
I'll realize, after all it is all an illusion.

If I write today,

I'll know it is only black and white,
There is no red or pink.

If I write today,

I might not stop,
There is so much..
It is so low.

If I write today,

I would face,
The things buried,
The things uncovered, unsaid.

If I write today,

I would suffer more.
Because I'll know for sure.
I'll realize it all.

It is not rosy or kind.
It is not red or pink.

It is shallow water with,
Sharp rocks underneath.

It is a lot of thorns,
And the flowers have dried.

It is a lot of allegations.
And the heart has cried.

Like I said,
It is only black and white.

No matter what I think,
It is after all,
Only Black and White.



Face to Face with Reality,
The Pink Orchid

Of Un-Faking

Being your real self might appear to be hurting you and others around you but it is the best way to deal with your life. You have committed mistakes? Well, who hasn't? Does that mean you kill yourself or remain on a never ending guilt trip? Nay!

If you choose to be wrong then have the courage to accept. And your wrongs had seemed right to you at one point of time, no matter which godforsaken logic you put behind it. The point is that time has gone and you have moved on.

Now the question arises if you think your real self might not be acceptable, should you cover yourself in a garb of fakeness? Hell no! I know what you are worried about. The people. The people you love. The people you care about. Well, if they don't know the real you then their being with you is temporary. A flash of your reality and poof! They'll be gone.

To quote the cliche' "Don't hold them with the fake you. Treasure the ones who love you for the real you"
Another category of people who would pretend of accepting the real you but will prick you at the drop of a hat. I have only one message if you are dealing with someone like that --- "Guard your heart, Lady!"

Really,

The Pink Orchid

P.S. I have said enough.

Not A Song, Not A Dream..

I would not want to learn a song,
which I cant sing to you.
Not a word,
which hasn't fallen on your ears.
I would not want to miss out on,
telling you everyday,
that 'I Love You'.

I would not have a dream,
which you aren't a part of.
Not a destination where,
you cannot accompany me.
I would not want to miss out on,
seeing myself in your eyes,
everyday.

I would not have an emotion,
that remains unexpressed,
or a desire,
that you aren't aware of,
I would not want to miss out on,
knowing how much you love me,
everyday.

I would not want to stay,
when you are about to leave,
I would not want to be alive,
when you would not survive,
I would not want to walk,
on a bed of thorns,
when you are not around anymore.

I do not want to imagine,
a day without you,
when I would not know,
who to wait for anymore,
cook for,
and look pretty for.

I would not know,
who wants to look into,
my baby eyes,
or have a full laugh,
when I mix,
Bihari English in Tamil.

I would not know,
who would listen to me,
when I endlessly talk,
without making any sense,
who would value my opinion,
who would appreciate,
when I act mature.

Sweetheart,
with you not around,
I would not know,
how to breathe.

Don't you see,
I can go on and on,
but I would not really know,
how I would really feel,
when you are not around.

But I know this for sure,
that there is,
not a song, humming,
not a dream, shining,
not a destination, waiting,
not a smile, glittering,
not a hope, calming
not a ray of light, twinkling
when you are not around.

You must be wondering, why such thoughts? Well, I am already missing you bad and I had to see this video on youtube (embed at the end of this post) to exactly know how intensely I feel connected to you and how indispensable you have become. I am not able to write more because these are very emotional days for me when my past, present and future are about to unite, when I am about to become one with my dreams and all that I have imagined about love.

I want you to know that when I finally have you now to love and to hold till death does us apart, life doesn't seem tough anymore.

Forever Yours
The Pink Orchid

Trust vs Acceptance and Some Random Realizations

What is Trust? Is it expecting a commitment from him of following the rules set by you? "The ideal rules of being in a relationship"? Do you suddenly control their past, present and future, since they are committed to you? Do you control their thoughts and communications? Do you tie them to you? What is this trust? Why is this called the foundation of any relationship?
Trust, to me, sounds more like a business agreement. You doing a forgery and mishandling the accounts is a breach of trust in professional terms or not following the terms of a contract is a breach of trust. But why is this word so often used when it comes to relationships? What do you want from someone when you tell them that you trust them? Exactly what happens after that? They still continue to be who they are and not the entire 100 percent of the person that they are might be falling under your definition of being trust worthy.
So the next question is why trust? Trust is a heavy duty word which once broken leaves you completely off guard. You either don't trust again and become suspicious (Read "spy like") or you trust again and somehow get hurt again because no one can change their true nature just for you. Your definition of "trust" could be as extreme as him sitting next to a girl in a local train where that's the only seat left is a breach of trust or something as realistic as he having an extra marital affair, or being an infidel to be precise will make you not trust him again.
Ask yourself? Why did you choose him in the first place? Its because you love him or its because you want to be with him as long as he loves you? And what is this so called love by the way? Physical, emotional, psychological, financial? What is it? What is love?  Providing financial security? Making her feel emotionally secure? Psychological support? Satisfying physical needs? Looking good for her? Providing luxuries of life? Or a mix of all of the above? Or is it the restlessness you feel when you are not with him? Is it love if you feel that he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?
And then what happens one day if one of the above conditions fall weak? What if he lies because he doesn't wanna hurt you? What if he was lured into a party where something "not so nice" happened? What if suddenly you are not good enough for him or he feels that he deserves better? What if he still lives his life with you but only one part of his dual life belongs to you? What if he has friends you are suspicious about? What if your suspicions are true?
Do you start feeling burdened by this word "trust"?  Do you have the energy to spy on him? Do you want to irritate him by asking 100 questions about everything he does or says? Do you want to doom your relationship?
I have a better word than "trust". I call it acceptance. You love him. You accept him with all his flaws and merits. You accept him with all his charms. The charms that might be working its magic on 10 other damsels. Don't be worried. If you are his family, if he comes home to you and if that's making you happy then that is love. The cliched statement that says "If you love him, set him free, if he comes back to you he was yours, if not he never was". It is the mantra for people in love, for people who want a peaceful relationship.
Expectations would never go. But all of them might not be fulfilled. Don't let fulfillment/non-fulfillment of small expectations decide the future of your relationship.
Now the most important question. What if he clearly becomes an infidel the moment you express that you are going to accept every aspect of him, good or bad, pleasant or hurtful? Well, the answer is very simple. What made you think that he is going to remain loyal just because you have told him you trust him? Words make no difference. He will do his own things irrespective of what you think or say. Its upto him to remain loyal or disloyal to you. But its upto you to get hurt or not.


Found a few ashes,
Of known unknown faces,
Buried in my backyard,
Hidden from my eyes..


It was important,
It was "my" backyard,
Where I was sowing,
The dreams of tomorrows.


Now it stinks,
Feels unpleasant,
I have covered it,
With fresh mud,
With a layer of grass,
Green and fresh,


After all,
It was and is,
My backyard,
At least now it is..


"I saw myself in his eyes,
With every passing moment,
And suddenly I got lost,
One day.


I was searching for myself,
Hopelessly, frantically,
Then,
I could find my shadow,
Behind a crowd of many,
In his eyes.


Now I wonder,
Whether I would see myself,
Glowing and beaming,
In those eyes again,
Or will I just keep lurking behind,
As a shadow,
As a proof that, yes,
There I was,
The only one.
There I am,
Lost, nowhere to be found.


But I would never stop looking,
And may be one day again,
I will find,
Myself,
In those eyes"


P.S. On a totally unrelated note, I totally hate people trying to communicate indirectly with me. Hate is a strong word. Let's say it is unpleasant. If I am talking to you, you might as well reply to me. If not then let me know what makes me so unworthy of a direct feedback. I guess I have spoken too much. But it was just a random self realization. "Till now what was an honest appreciation could just become a fake smile. Time changes like that."

Vent It Out, Otherwise..

How important it is to vent out your emotions? Anger, grief, joy, disappointment! You keep them inside. Thinking you are weak or may be you just wish for the right time to vent or worse, take revenge. It kills you inside slowly, making you hollow. You pretend as if you have forgotten but the feeling never goes. It keeps building inside you, almost like lava, only waiting to burst out, turning you into a volcano. And the worst part about the volcano is it can harm if it is tried to be accessed at the time of eruption. So people slowly start keeping a distance from you. They forget their wrong deeds the moment they are done. What is remembered is what is visible in front of their eyes, the aggressive you. You don't realise but suddenly you are the wrong one and the people around you are the victims of your wrath, over and over again.

Vent it out or have the ability to forget. Save yourself from becoming a volcano. It is ugly, harmful. It kills the nature surrounding it and burns itself, turning you into an emotionless, hard structure of negative energy. Remember a stone-hearted human is just a machine, tough, programmed, minus the life.

If you want to really live and enjoy the sense of being in all the big and small joys it brings... Forgive! Forget! Express! Smile a lot!


Smiles and Sunshine
The Pink Orchid

Much Needed Rant..

Too many thoughts flowing in for me to write well. It is amazing how easy it is for people to judge others, to decide whether to respect them or not, whether they are worth the emotions or not. We choose. We decide. We decide that he/she is the one and then we do everything to bring the stars down for them or to be precise, make them sit on the moon. But does it remain like that throughout? No! Can we blame someone for the fact that this fantasy can't go on forever? Definitely Not! It is not too late when the true nature sets in and everything turns upside down. Be it insecurity, bad temperament or just pure selfishness!! It is bound to make the two of you fall flat on your back on a very rocky surface!

 

Worst part is you cant ask questions. Because you knew the plus and you were aware of the minus too, inspite of the fact that the other one tried to cover it and place only the best side on display. You crib. You breathe heavy. You wonder whether you were right in choosing each other. You dont want to adjust. You do not want to consider how the other person feels. Sympathy is a far cry but you are not even ready to empathise. What happens then? What do you do? It might be just one of those agreements but is your soul regretting or consoling you that this too shall pass. What is happening? Where is this going? Was loneliness more painful or this togetherness is hurting more? Was it fair to live in the intoxication of hell or this courtroom kind of life is better where judgements are passed every single day? You justify and then you wonder what the hell brings you to this questioning every second. You ignore and you are accused of being defensive which implies that you are guilty. Guilty of what? Well, God only knows!

 

My only concern is if you cant accept each other as you are, you will make your life hell. Life anyways is going to act like a bitch. Karma will also give you a taste of your own medicine every now and then. The last thing you would want is adjustment issues. Be together. Deal with the problems together. Help each other understand. Dont judge. Smile! Love! Act Cute. See the cuteness in each other's child like nature. Dream! There is so much to life than trying to crib over things which are beyond our control.

 

Okay the agove paragraph might feel totally unrealistic sometimes where all you want is to kill each other because you cant tolerate each other for one more second. That's the time you feel that you are choking on your own emotions and all that you have done for the happiness of your special someone. At a time like this I would suggest:

 

1. Cut yourself off from everything outside even her/him.

2. Sit alone and talk to yourself.

3. Write if that makes you feel better

4. Listen to your (both of your's) favorite songs. Songs which remind you of all the good times.

5. I know by now you are already missing them.

6. Switch on your phone. (you switched it off according to step 1)

7. Wait for him to call you. (he loves you, he will call you)

8. You have already forgotten everything bad I know.

9. Smile

10. Be glad you are together. Thank God.

 

 

Smiles and Sunshine

The Pink Orchid

 

P.S. I am switching my phone on now. Will he call?

Words Fail Me..

I don't know if I mentioned in the previous post that Sept 23 - 26, 2012, my first foreign trip took place. (Destination - Bangkok, Pattaya). The place is fun, bright and colourful and it was very special as it was my first. Also I didn't know that International Flights have an extra central row.
On a totally different note I'd want to mention a few things I have realized about me off late:
1. I am basically a homely person. There's nothing like keeping the house in order, cleaning, cooking and yeah being independent is a god-damn feeling.
2. I can be on the two extremes of care. Loving: I could give out my favorites just to see the other one smile. Indifferent: Oh! I could drop you from being a friend to a complete stranger in no time. So you better not get on my wrong side.
3. I bother the least about what people think about the stuff that I do or the things and people who are related to me. If I'm comfortable and I'm able to act responsible, if I'm convinced. Its more than enough!
4. I lose focus sometimes. I forget my interests, my passion, my dreams for something immaterial. But not all the time. Looking at the current state of my being I'm more or less sorted, except my bedroom is in a total mess right now. See, I told you!
5. I might not be religious but I'm a believer. I like to believe that I'm created by the almighty and He gives me strength. He would stand by me even if the whole world fails me, as long as I believe in myself.
6. I have not been writing quite often, the way I used to before. The reason could be (I'd be honest) the decreasing readership. But I guess it shouldn't stop me from expressing. I shouldn't forget that I started writing for myself.
7. I will die an old happy woman. I have a strong feeling about that.
8. I don't know why I'm mentioning it but I am gonna start gymming from tomorrow. God bless me!!
9. The more I'm sitting and writing here, the more this fact is haunting in the back of my mind that I have a lot of clothes to wash!
10. I had a lot to write I guess but then the chicken in the kitchen will burn if I don't run now. And yes this post is as random as it gets.
Smiles and Sunshine,
The Pink Orchid.
_______________________________________
You told me yesterday,
That my words don't make sense anymore,
To quote you, "they are not interesting",
And that has left me thinking,
Thinking as to what happened.
May be my words expressed,
To be heard,
To search for someone who could, Understand.
I wrote like madness,
Poured my heart out.
 And then I found you.
You heard me,
You understood me,
And you kept me close to your heart,
I found my abode.
Now my words don't interest me too.
I hardly need to express,
Because what I feel,
Can be seen in your eyes.
I think words are failing me now,
And I guess I don't mind..
I know you have read it all..
My expressions,
My words,
And Me!

Will You Regret?

He is upset. Upset to know that the girl he loved, the innocent baby girl has changed, transformed, deteriorated. He knows it all. He has been told everything. But his state of shock is heart-breaking. He is sitting in front of me totally low on the zeal for life. He has forgotten all the wrongs and has accepted me with all his heart. But.. He carries a human soul inside which hurts when he sees what I have done to myself. He could have never imagined in the wildest of his dreams that he would see me in this form. Totally unbound.. Extremely open in thoughts and actions. The girl who came home clad in a sari that he gifted has died I guess. He knows. But then he tries hard to bring her back. Watering the plant that has withered might give some hope but will it flourish again is a thing for which all of us will have our own doubts. While I type this he might just be thinking of what has he gotten into. He might be wanting to re-think this whole thing. This is a life-time decision and there will be no looking back.

I know you love me and I know I can justify myself to myself. But will you understand me? And really accept me? I am right or wrong I would know and I can be at peace with myself. But... do you think I am worth it? Worth the pain, the sighs, the fights, the disappointments???

Do you think I am the "One"??

Please think about it. The last thing I would want in this world is to see you regret!!

What Do I Write About?

What do I write about? It's been so long. I have been busy and when I look back today I realise that I am re-writing my life, with words unspoken before. This is the life that I dreamt of (yes no matter how cliched that sounds). Before I begin I should mention that I have "When You Say Nothing At All by Ronan Keating" playing on my brand new Sony Vaio E Series while I am typing this blogpost.
I have been building a home for myself. My nest. It would not have been possible without him. He who is going to be the harbinger of my soul for ever and ever. He whose eyes are where I reside. I know I am sounding repetitive and boring and this post looks like just another post with few factual announcements about my life.
But the truth is I am in a state where I am feeling that I have full control of my life. Henceforth I Decide! This is a great feeling - this thing called "Independent Living".
Tonight when I will close my eyes I would again thank God for making us meet. I wouldnt want to thank Him for all the good things that are happening right now (the entire big and small of it). I would just say ----
Hey You,
Mr. Big Eyelashes...
You complain,
You crib,
You point out mistakes.....

You tickle,
You make me roll on the floor with laughter (literally)
You jump with excitement when you see me cooking.
You write notes for me..

You irritate me
You annoy me beyond imagination
You make me want to pull my hair

You make me write
You make me blush
You make me high on life

You mess up
You regret
You confuse me

You beam of confidence
You focus on us and our wellbeing
You plan on a tomorrow where we see 'us' just like how we are today

Mr. Big Eyelashes,
I wanna tell you,
I fight with you to show that I got rights on you.
I scream at you for you to know that I know you wont judge me.
I cry in front of you because I know you would still know how strong I am.
I crib in front of you because I love it when you make me understand, when you explain.
I get possessive because I am very childish about you and I like it this way. You are 'MINE'!!

And just like any other post I ended up scribbling my heart out.
I better rush now because I have to cook, clean, crib, fight, irritate, annoy, love and sleep, in no particular order.

The Fire in Me..

Almost three weeks of not writing anything. That was a big break! Today I came here not to write but to renovate. I changed the title of this blog. "AAS - The Beginning" was not me. Hope (aas) is a good thing but somehow to me it indicates weakness, waiting for things to happen. Hope is a tool for the victims of destiny. Similarly, "The Beginning" comprises of the story of a journey that has just started. Now when I come to think of it hope is definitely a positive beginning but if not acted upon its a mere illusion or a mirage.
At this stage of my life and times to come I'd like to write about the fire that is me. The positivity. The power. The strength. The ability to create and also destroy the wrong (in me). That's why the title now is "The Fire in Me". This title will remind me of what I am.

And if all of us come to realize our true selves. This is what we are. Fire - The truth of our survival. Our soul. The fire in us is what pushes us to achieve, to just "go for it". The fire is what drives us to the destination of goals, be it spiritual, material, romantic or a mix of it all.

The title would also be a warning that I am supposed to control this fire, to save myself from burning out. I'll have to act as the regulator of this fire, which if left uncontrolled, can unleash havoc.

I know its a little too philosophical for your taste. But I am supposed to map my thoughts if I claim myself to be someone who is expressive and dreams of being read by many.

As a last note, I still continue to write as "The Pink Orchid" because with this name I have reached out to few hearts and souls of like minded expressions of creativity. It also stresses on a very critical fact which is rarely known and much rarely understood i.e. ----

She is a flower,
Delicate and fragrant,
But when crushed,
She doesn't die,
She glows,
Inside and Out,
And then she,
Writes Her life,
With the fire in her..

Its the tough times,
the rough patches
That make her value,
The smallest of joys,
The lightest of dewdrops.
She is a flower indeed,
Dellicate and fragrant,
She writes her "self",
And she glows inside.

She, The Pink Orchid,
Writes her life titled
"The Fire in Me.."

Phew! I did explain it well. So what say? Let's bring on the energies, extreme emotions, the anger, the romance, the peace, the noise, the waves, the tornadoes...all that and more.

Let's heat up this place.. Let's light the fire...

The Bitter and Sweet of It All..

Its tough to articulate what I am thinking right now but so easy to know and confirm that I'm happy. I'm being taken care of. I am at peace. The hunt has ended, the running has exhausted, the search is tired. Its as if I am home after being worn out and completely drained from the struggles of daily life. I'm not surprised. I chose him with my innocent heart, when I didn't know the harsh realities of this world, the brutality of survival. I chose him when I was not "smart"ed by the changing times. I chose him when being worldly wise was a negative word for him. I chose him when I didn't even know what love is. I chose him and that was the end of it all.

Today he is there, right in front of my eyes, unfolding all his charm. I can see myself under the shadow of those dusky eye lashes. I can hear myself beating in his heart. I am running in his nerves and I'm not exaggerating. Take me away from his eyes and you'll see the restlessness, the disheveled breath, the lost him. Its as if he is the engulfing the soul that's me, giving the glow of life to his being.

I'm surprised at the feeling of tranquility. I have felt the extremes of all emotions, all of them. But not this quiet, this silence of relief when you can hear yourself breath, when you can sense the sound of the waves, of the breeze. The contentment that you are you and you can be you for times to come.

But all the emotions aside there is this darkness of fear in one small corner of my heart. The fear that its all a dream and there will be a barren land instead of the flowery heaven when I open my eyes. The fear that there are people ready to pour some acid on the soft skin of these pure emotions. The fear that he is scared. The fear that his hope will turn weak. The fear that he'll not be able to hold on. The fear that he'll give up.

Tonight I close my eyes, with a small prayer,

I wanna dream big
And fly high
Where there is nothing to stop me
Not even the sky high
But when I wear out
And get weak beyond control
A pair of eyes
And arms open wide
May they wait for me
At the doorway
At the corridor of my dream..
My home...

This Rakhi..For V.V. and Vishal Ji..

2nd August, hardly 2 weeks from now, is this amazing day of Rakshabandhan. Its amazing because the year that has gone by has given me few amazing people, who I need to not only thank but demand their care and adoration for my entire lifetime.

My Guide and 'Pillar' of Support: I don't know when this bond became so strong. He has patiently listened to me crib and complain. He has laughed on the saddest of my jokes. He has pulled my leg like no other and not even once did I mind him doing that (I did mind it once "what are you doing from there?" ;). I have fought with him with all the rights (not talking to him/ignoring him for hours together). I trust him. I have traveled with him. He has protected me and has shown me the right path. He has guided me. He is someone I can't keep a secret from (not anymore!). I love to do little things for him. I can be so so happy when he is around, we laugh like mad people, no matter how stressed we all are.

I thank you, V.V., for EVERYTHING!


The Elders (the shade of care): He has made sure his care is reflected through her. I don't know when these two became family. I have become a kid again, since she has been around. We laugh as if no one is watching. I can't wait to tell her EVERYTHING! And can't stand if she is upset. She understands me and I know it through her, time and again that they care for me beyond imagination. She has let me commit my errors, to let me learn on my own but has never failed to provide a shoulder to lean on, a source of strength to depend upon. They are my shade of care in this hot, sunny, humid land of Chennai. I take rights on her and bug her to the extent of her wishing to kill me. But she adores me, i can sense it. They have become an inseparable part of my life.

I have to thank vishal ji, and not mention her separately (since it is rakhi and I know she is already cribbing about how her birthday gift is still pending and how her name is not mentioned here even if this note vividly talks about her ;) ; Vishal Ji, I will always remember you saying "ye bada bhaai hai na" ; though I am not sure if you remember saying it or not. I cant thank God enough for both of you.

So.. Dear VV and Vishal Ji, be prepared with your wrists on this 2nd of August, because with just one thread I am going to make it official that I can irritate/bug both of you for the rest of my life.

P.S. Inder Bhaai and Shravan, you guys are next!

Scribbling My Heart Out..

Today when I'm sitting alone at this coffee shop, reflecting on my todays, I realize that one needs to do this every day. Sitting at a quiet place (ok this place is not quiet) and spending time with oneself. I know it sounds philosophical and I am not spending time with myself right now. I'm rather waiting for someone. But that's not the point. The point is I'm not at peace with myself. I'm not liking my own company. I'm looking for distractions, almost intoxicated with worldly things. The thing that matters the most 'inner peace', is somehow missing today.
May be because life is moving on a jet speed and I'm not able to catch up. Thrill, excitement, plans, dreams and what not. I'm also trying to guard myself and protect myself from being hurt again. But I guess that's not possible. I can never fight against the 'unknown' - the future. I wouldn't know what are the weapons or tactics this future will use to win against me. Surprisingly I look at my future as an enemy. A very big signal of insecurity. Not right, but at least I know what exactly I have to be working on.
Being scared of the future, makes your present weak. Am I scared? No! But am I prepared? Big No!! Anyways, all said and done, its nice to have the control of my life in my hands. My choices, my wins, my losses, my lessons, my rewards.. And then someone to share all this with, who would love to listen, who respects the intellectual in me, adores the child in me, loves the woman in me, understands the human in me. I'm thankful to all the people who have helped me heal, recover and be back to life in 'full form'. The next post will have a detailed memoir of how each person around me has contributed to my 'new life'.
To conclude, I'd just say.... I am not sure if I'd win all my battles of the future but I am sure as hell gonna try. I'm armed with confidence, fresh outlook, determination, self-belief, and trust of people who mean the world to me.
I don't believe in "big talks", at least not anymore. If I'm able to spend each day with pride and sleep each night with peace, I know that I'm livin' it up! And right now, I'm not just livin' it up, I'm livin' it up 'Queen' style..

Why Marry?!

Why Marry? Well, why not? All the fears that lie in this whole phenomenon of marriage is the reason why marriages are so scary. Its about perception and wrong beliefs.
You don't marry to own someone but to have someone who you would want to sleep with and get up with and be equally happy at both times.
Its about giving your all into making it work and accepting all that he has to give into it.
Its nice to have kids whose faces look like both of you and trust him for this whole experience.
Its amazing that both of you fight like crazy but then maximum in a day or two you realize "did he eat?", "can I hug him now?", "oh I miss his smile."
Its wonderful to know there is this person who can see beyond your looks, style and charm but be into you "completely".
Its a beautiful feeling this "looking into his eyes and he looking into yours - this moment when you are just his" (no, you don't require him to touch you to make you feel you are his. If his love is genuine for you, one look, one look is enough!)
Its so soothing to cook together and so refreshing to see he likes what you cook.
Its mind-blowing to have him sing for you when he feels that whiff of romance, even if he can't sing well (you are truly lucky and its a bonus if he sings beautiful and make your heart hum along)
You feel protected to have someone worrying for you, for your safety, for your future.
Its a proud feeling to have him known by your name and you by his. He making you weak in the knees with a feather touch on your cheek, looking intently into your eyes is a different story all together (definitely an integral part of marriage, very very important!!)
There are a zillion emotions and situations, both mentionable and unmentionable as far being married is concerned and trust me not all of them are beautiful. But then marriage is all about the "todays", "the sweet nothings", "the talk", "the fights that might want to kill yourself or murder him - but get worried sick the moment your phone call to him goes unanswered". Its all about the togetherness. Its magical to be able to dream together even when you know all of them might not come true but then there is something that will remain a fact till your last breath "both of you?". All the practical reasons that people literally burn themselves being worried about are the ones which are totally uncertain, no matter how hard you try. Money, success, luxury, dream destination holidays, diamonds, gold, beach house.. All of this and more can vanish in flash of a second. All it takes is one natural disaster to shake it all up and turn it into dust. But then look out and see it will be a pair of eyes looking desparately for you, so that his hand can reach out to you and pull you out of the mess/disaster/threat (what not!).
The only thing that matters the most in a life long relationship is him and what you two share when you are together and even when you are away. Rest all can be taken care of. There is nothing stronger and capable than two people with a strong commitment of being there for each other.
Don't expect a 'lifetime acheivement award' out of a marriage. Sipping the morning cup of coffee together should motivate and pep you up enough to pull you through the day and end it well. 'Marriage', all said and done is a concept of 'sticking together through thick and thin'. Its most like friendship, the only thing is, it is a friendship with loads of benefits, which entirely depends on how and what you reap out of it. Don't expect the wrong things out of marriage. Its none of things which do not last forever. Its all those things money can't buy - peace, understanding, love, trust, respect, passion, dreams, hopes, smiles and tears.
The value of marriage is known by someone whose own marriage has failed. Ironical to know that she is not complaining how she has lost faith in the institution of marriage. Its all because when she closes her eyes tonight she knows that there is someone who is praying that he should be the person who should get the responsibility of keeping her happy and taking care of her till his last breath and beyond. She knows he is dying to hear her voice. She knows he wants to marry her not only because he loves her but also because he knows that in this whole wide world he is the only man who can make her forget all the pain and make her smile from her heart. She knows that he is making her dream again. She knows that he is counting days, he has waited long enough but is just waiting for her to go running to him and never leave after that.

Don't you think they should get married?
Don't you think she deserves to be happy and he deserves the love of his life?
Don't you think "love exists!!"?

Vitamin-Aks!!

I am sleepy beyond imagination right now but I have to scribble this out. This movie "Vinaythaandi Varuvaaya" is the most stupid movie ever made. You must be wondering why such a baseless accusation. Actually its only a question -- "How could a movie be so 'you' so 'me'??"

You should have stopped loving me,
The day I walked out of your life.
You should have stopped missing me,
The day I held someone else's hand.
You should have stopped thinking of me,
The day you saw I am not the same "innocence redefined"
You should have stopped drenching me in your tears,
The day I got so practical that I stopped seeing the truth in your eyes.
You should have stopped running to me,
The day I started looking at a different horizon.
You should have stopped looking for me,
The day I stopped being the "pretty slimness".
You should have stopped writing about me,
The day I stopped listening to your words even before they poured out of your thoughts.

What we have today is beautiful. I moved on, you didn't. You waited at the same corner of the road where I left you four years ago. Your eyes still wet, forehead still moist, hands still shivering with nervousness, your heart still hoped that I would be back one day. I saw you and I wondered what could I give you. I have lost everything including the ability to love, the ability to have my heart racing faster with every breath I take. But I know I am wrong. Your emotions are taking me to the edge of the cliff and are trying to push me into the valley of new-found emotions of my own. I am falling free because you made me feel I am capable of it yet again. This time its more special because not only were you waiting, you also made me realise what have I been missing. I was missing "myself". I don't know what happens tomorrow, I am not God after all. But I have learnt this the hard way that life has nothing to do with "tomorrows". Life is made of a hell lot of "todays". And my "todays" are filled with "Vitamin-Aks". I can never be weak again, I'm sure!!

I am falling just to fly higher this time..

This Wont Make Sense to You!

Its difficult being mature. And just a sentence typed, and I realized its been ages since I typed a blogpost from a desktop (Blackberry Dependency Syndrome!!). Right now, a few mature decisions have been taken and the issues which are difficult to handle and require a foresight which I lack have been put on hold. Reiterating the fact, I would say I am still focussing on "having fun and living it up each day".
Commitments? A Big No!! Being single is so so so much fun. It is definitely less of pain and lesser of unfulfilled expectations especially for people who like to keep a tab of it.
Am I happy? Yes!! I am happy because I am being honest to myself. After a long and hard struggle to trying to make the "wrong" sound "right", I still failed. And proudly because the morals have not died yet. I couldnt compromise with the principals I never knew I had.
Does it hurt to walk out of something beautiful? It does. But how much? That depends on how prepared you were for the pain engulfing you. I was prepared. Prepared for the fact that I wont be able to be a part of a tragic lie.
Am I missing him? Yes and No! Well, in the fight between brain and heart, sensibility and morality won. Its strange having him around as a person with whom it was an emotional relationship and now I guess it would be formal. Emotional one hurt because it was lacking the vitamin-forever and this formal one will hurt because he had become a part of my daily routine. Ok may be I am sounding totally pathetic right now but I am thinking aloud. Judge me if you wish to. All I am saying is I know I am right!!
What next? Like I said, no commitments, lots of smiles, lots of food, lots of fun, lots of "me" time with people I want to be with, with people who are there for me today.
Why am I thinking so straight? I have realised life has to be seen in black and white, wrong and right. The color mix or the grey area is actually all the illusions and mess that we create around ourselves.
I know you didnt understand anything. In fact, this entire post is actually a collage of a lot of scribbles. Currently I am happy because I am in full control of my life (ok, it doesnt sound right. but then I feel I am in control) I have a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on, a soul to breathe in, eyelashes to admire, songs to hum, a heart listening to my nonsensical and sensible words, moments to be cherished (new ones being added continuously). Life can happen to you in so many ways. Off late it is happening to me in the form of "AKS".

The Story of A Fat Girl

Once upon a time there used to be a fat girl. She was not fat since birth. In fact this girl was the talk of the town because of the way she looked, in other words, S.T.U.N.N.I.N.G!! She was extremely active. Dance was her passion. In fact her parents used to wonder if she'd make a career out of it. She used to spend hours dancing in front of the mirror or just looking at herself. She was proud of herself. And then one fine day, she won a cash prize of Rs. 7500/- for winning a state level oratorical competition, that was the moment she felt the joy of earning and in no time "spending". She developed a love for "butter chicken", "chicken manchurian". In a flash, all the money was spent on junk food. Money was gone but an addiction to fried spicy food was now a part of her being. Pocket money became the need of the hour. Dance was replaced by eating chips and watching TV sitting on the couch for hours, sometimes from sunrise to sunset. The lady was studying in XIIth std then and weighed 47 Kgs.

Years passed by. Initially it was magical. Nothing happened in terms of inches or pounds. But not for long. All the butter started to settle under her skin. Clothes got uncomfortable. Wardrobe kept changing. She started growing up and growing broad, literally. Life went through ups and downs - Academics, competitions, friends, relationships, family, finance all the issues that an indian teenager faces. Eating was soon connected to emotions. Happy? Eat chicken. Lonely? Order pizza with extra cheese. Sad? Guzzle a lot of chips with a chilled bottle of thumbs-up.

Now she is 25 years old and weighs 86.5 Kgs. Life has not been kind to her and continues to do so. Everyday there are at least 20 remarks on how fat she is. Her old (read SLIM) pictures (Facebook) are commented as being someone else's. Her new (read FAT) pictures (Facebook) have a lot of mockery and little or no appreciation. People who care for her provide her tips on how to lose weight and how important it is to do so. Currently, she can't afford a gym. Even if she would be able to afford it in future, the way she has become, she won't hit the gym until and unless it is upstairs or next door.

But then she knows that she is a beautiful person inside. She cares for people around her. She laughs a lot and is extremely understanding. And today when she looked at herself in the mirror, she felt proud and thrilled. Not because she looked any different than how she looks off late. Just because she had no logical answer to what she asked herself "What's stopping you from bringing back the Real You?". All she could utter was....

...Its a new day,
It could be a new start
Its never too late
To listen to your heart.

And yeah she winked at her reflection in the mirror and blew a flying kiss. The princess was back!!

Its The Choices That I Make

Its a complete rant post. Uninterested individuals should stop reading NOW. Off late, I have been thinking whether hanging out with blessed (read RICH) people gets you discouraged about the life you are leading or gets you aspiring for more. There are people who are talking of buying houses where you could buy only a teddy bear conveniently. Does a social divide exist? Does being richer earn you respect in people's eyes? Or is it your work? Or is it about the choices you make? I personally feel it is about the choices you make. People tend to enter the maddening race of competition to ensure there are people around him/her feeling jealous of them and sorry for themselves. And few people do it because they want a comfortable life. Would I want to show off when I am rich? Would I talk only in terms of 5 star hotels, top of the line clubs, diamonds and imported cars? Now when I am thinking, it actually seems funny. I might turn out to be the most nosy snobbish person around (ok let's not be so mean to me but I'd love to show off a little). I'm sure its a great feeling when someone's pupils get dilated or jaw drops after listening to how well off you are. Or would I just be happy with the fact that I have a better life and I have worked hard for it?

In the last one and a half years, I have really learnt the meaning of the word "struggle" - counting pennies, making choices. Its when you start earning that you realize that you can't have everything. And I have accepted my pocket's capability. I am not making the right choices I am sure. But I can see myself using this phrase more often --- "I don't think I can afford it". I can see myself not going weak when my bank balance reads "Rs. 1800" (and no, I didn't miss out on a zero. It is Rupees One Thousand Eight Hundred Only as on 26th May 2012 and 14 days to survive in a city without family, not a difficult task I must say). Why am I writing about this? Because this is the rough patch I would want to remember and smile. This is the reminder of certain wrong financial decisions made or may be to re-look at the source of income. It is a wake-up call about evaluation of my skills and its worth. It is a lesson that money can buy almost everything, happiness and peace too. I would want to remember this time as a proud moment when I didn't enter the trap of debt/credit/loan from known/unknown people just because it is the easiest way out.

Also at this moment I would like to tell myself ---- "Go girl, make all the mistakes in the world. This life can be lived just once. Make it as much fun as possible. Don't let others de-motivate you, judge you or pull you down. Undoubtedly, you are a strong woman who is very balanced, mature and sensitive. Don't let the world make you think otherwise. Live each day. Live for yourself. Trust me, you are the most important person in your life and you are answerable to yourself only. Who gets to stay or thrown out of your life is a completely personal choice that you have to make. And no one, trust me no one should have any say in this regard. Let people waste their time discussing or gossiping about you. It just for you to realize that neither these people nor their opinions is worth a penny. Also I would never get tired of saying this ---- Girl, I Am Proud Of You!!!"

Let Life Happen..Shall We?

Off late I have been running away from myself, for a simple fact that a lot has been happening that I have not been able to comprehend, I thought it was better to give myself some time. Thats what I did. So that explains the long gap from blogging( one week is a long gap when you have been writing daily).
And the fingers stop on the keyboard again. I am wondering how do I write what I feel because right now it is a plethora of emotions. There is sorrow, pain, joy, thrill, a void, a smile, silence and unbelievable noise. I know I am ranting, nonsensical stuff. How I wish I was able to make sense of whats happening with me right now.
Now I guess I am just going to type away to glory:




- Can you be in love with two people at the same time? If yes, how do you justify this as fair. If no, how do you know which one is the "love" you have always dreamt of? How do you pacify the hurt caused by someone/something who has been there in your life for just 4 weeks? He never existed before that and now, after this whole "its-bye-for-good" conversation, do people just forget everything? Is it going to be awkward after this? Painful to find him not looking at me? Angry to find out that things are different now? Disappointed by the fact that something so beautiful has come to an end. But I know this one thing, I am very bad at half-hearted stuff.Its either everything or nothing. I have not learnt to fake. If I fake I would be hurt. Yeah right! Got to open my eyes and smell the coffee (quoting "the man"). So like I had said, its time to lock away the memories (throwing the "heart of the ocean" back in the ocean). If this is what you wanted then this is what it is. "MoViNg On!!!!!!!"



- What I am about to write now, actually deserves a separate post, but then I guess the chain of thoughts have to be provided with some justice as well. May 2008 "then" AKS and AMBER came to life out of no-where. She hardly knew that her shadow is breathing in a life form and he was unaware that her reason for living is about to come brush his eyelashes and place few heavenly dreams on them. Life did what it is known for, being a roller coaster ride. Thats what it has been from May 2008 to May 2012; 4 Years of thrill/trauma/pain/joy/words/meaning/life/death/then life again. (we will talk about this "joy" ride in detail soon). After 4 years, they meet again and it was as if nothing has changed, as if time had frozen and now all of a sudden the sun is shining bright in the sky, shocking the eye and melting the frozen time. Surprisingly...AKS Sings...AMBER smiles...Again.. I am not going to shell out any forecasts because it will be stupid. Fools are those beings, who think life is in the future. Life is happening now.. This second..The needles of your watch ticking away are asking you "Dude, arent you forgetting something? Yes you are.. you are forgetting to live.." I have learnt this the hard way that "Life is Happening NOW, at this very moment".
All I should say at this point of time is I am letting life happen to me.. fresh air in my lungs, arms wide open, a smile on my lips, dreams in my eyes, a song on my mind. Lets just reiterate..."They meet again.. but then.. it is just the beginning".

The Not So Interesting Post

"My mind starts thinking and I start typing, just to let myself know that I'm not alone. I have my words with me. - Me"

Good things are happening. Slowly, very slowly I am building my identity in my own eyes. My confidence is on an all time high. I'm getting to be sure of myself with each passing day. Yesterdays don't scare me anymore.

Meeting new people with different perspectives and displays of "smartness",
getting to know more about the old ones around,
learning from them,
all things good and bad,
just to know what should or should not be done.

Now that you know this post doesn't hold a great promise of being interesting - "stop reading" because I'm planning to rant a LITTLE more..

Before I forget, I want to thank everybody who took time out to read my previous post. 410 page views till now feels great!!

Also, always empathize and never criticize someone in public. It could lead to a major downfall in the motivation levels of the receiver. Not only that, you would be remembered for all the wrong reasons. How you make someone feel goes a long way in how that someone is going to perceive you in future. Also your work should speak for you, not your words, not your designation and definitely not your money. You must be wondering "Why this dose of wisdom?". To that I'd say "one should learn from one's own mistakes and also from the mistakes of people around them" - the formula of 'buy 1, get 1 free'.

I'd end here. Am I feeling better? Yes!! Have I written something interesting? No!! Do I care?? Hell No!!

Not A Virgin, Not A Sinner!!

She dressed up in her dreams,
Her dream of giving him, her all,

He dressed up in his plans,
His plans of victory, his plans of owning her.

She was waiting,
Surrounded with petals of hope,
Fragrance of beautiful tomorrows..

He was moving,
Towards his prey, to devour her,
Inch by inch, drop by drop..

She closed her eyes,
And smiled inside,
Her heart racing,
Chills running down her spine..

He didn't feel a thing,
Only that he knew he will own her,
From this night on..


She desired it slow,
Wanting to get unveiled and unfolded,
She would lose herself with each touch, each whisper,
She would fall in love with her name,
Dancing on his lips, in his eyes,
She dreamt of "their" magic.

He desired pleasure,
Quick, and at any cost,
Even if it meant,
Seeing her die every second..
He would dig his nails deep,
Deep in her tender skin,
She would wail, scream for mercy,
He would take the beautiful doll of wax,
And paint her red in her own blood. He dreamt of "her" pain..

Once their eyes met,
He couldn't wait,
Not anymore,
In seconds, he squashed,
Her night of dreams, of fragrance,
Of beauty, of tomorrows..
Into a night of horror, of nightmares,
Of pain, of screams..

This was not all.
The second he knew,
He didn't win,
The second he realized,
She wasn't waiting for him,
All her life..
The second he saw,
She was loved before..
There was an animal,
On top of her..
Now fingers were claws..

Some time passed by,
For him, few hours,
For her, few ages.
He left the room,
Fuming in anger,
Leaving behind few murdered dreams,
Floating in a red pool of pain.

Her hurt heart-beats,
Her bruised breaths,
Felt sorry for her..
After all,
She was at fault,
She had loved once,
With all her heart and soul..
And then..
She loved again..



Kayi baar,
Rooh se kaagaz tak utarte utarte, Kuchh lafz...
Dil chiir dete hain..
Kuchh afsaane surkh hote hain Kuchh yu'n..


Dear Men, please get married for the reason that you need someone who you want to grow old with, have kids with, build a home with. Please do not marry for the sake of labeling a pretty virgin as your own.
What needs to be changed is this attitude of evil intentions masked by the term "marriage".

Where My Roots Are..

My "real" tryst with nature goes back to my childhood days, when I was not me, when I was just my granny's little grand-daughter. Dad used to take us to granny's village for holidays. No electricity. No concrete roads.

My village, where morning is welcomed by gurgling and coughing oldies, creeching sound of the hand-pump, infants crying and cattle clinking their bells.

My village, where there are no regular toilets. You have to relieve yourself in the open and yes, the infamous "lotaa" system still prevails. Only that you could take an empty "lotaa" along, as there is a river flowing nearby. Ladies go there early morning in the dark so that no body sees them but still, to be on a safer side, they sit there with their faces covered, because they know that no one can recognize them from their behind.

My village, where there are no amusement parks, computer games or internet. The young girls and boys bring a lot of mud from the riverside and make their own toys. When their fathers are toiling hard in the fields, they play with marbles, or go fishing in the pond where an earthworm or kneaded flour acts as a bait.

My village, where kids go to a school where there are no benches or chairs, where they take their own sacks, to sit on and study. The school, where they sing along with "Master ji" chanting mathematical tables.

My village, where "nuclear families" don't exist. It is all joint. Food, fields, cattle, family, justice, income, everything.

My village, where there are no fans but it is always breezy in the lobby, or at the cot under the banyan tree, or by the river side.

My village, where there are no theatres but there is nothing more entertaining than two mother-in-laws discussing their good-for-nothing daughter-in-laws and vice versa.

My village, where no man apart from the husband could see the new bride's face for at least a year. She should always cover her head in a "ghoonghat" (veil).

My village, where there are no bathrooms or kitchen sinks, so the dishes are done, clothes are washed, bath is taken, all by the river.

My village, doesn't have elite rich inhabitants, but if there is a wedding, then all kitchens are shut down, as every single soul is invited for the "bhoj" (feast).

My village, where there are no marble/wooden floors which could be cleaned using floor-cleaning solutions. Here the mud floor is cleaned by a mix of mud and cow dung and no matter how unimaginable it sounds, once cleaned, the house smells like heaven.

My village, where there are no study lamps, where a bunch of kids gather around a kerosene lamp to study in the evening, while the mothers cook and fathers gossip about how the day was spent in the fields.

My village, where there are no DJs for family functions or get-togethers, but the ladies do not miss a chance to sing the traditional folk songs. The ladies who are totally unaware of the fact that their traditional songs are being proudly remixed and sold in the cities.

My village, where only few people have TVs, but their doors are always open for the entire village when there is an important match or if its "Sri Krishna", "Ramayana" or "The Mahabharata" time.

My village, where there are no air-conditioners or cozy mattresses, but where sleep is totally addictive on a bare cot made out of jute ropes because each and every soul has earned their siesta due to the day's hard work.

My village, which is far behind our comfortable living standards of the city, but where minds are at peace, faces are shining and kids are smiling. My village, where there is no mad rush, no cut-throat competition, no opportunistic behavior, no reason to be fake. My village where no one judges you based on what you wear, or how you look.

My village, where people are happy because they own all the things, money can't buy.

My village...

I miss those days. I miss those sunrises and sunsets. I miss my granny's bedtime stories where all of them used to end on one note "victory of good over evil". I miss being so close to myself.

For me, it doesn't get more real than this. My village is my tryst with nature and reality. My village where less is more, where my roots are, where I am.

Abey Ja!!! Saale....!!

My goodness is not good enough for you,
My smile not genuine enough,
All you could do is count my meals,
And tell me that my pics are "blown" out of proportion,
You know what?
Abey Ja!!!... Saale...!!

My complaint is not valid enough for you,
The crime that I am victim of,
is somehow not serious enough for you,
More than my bruises,
You want me to count "some" cash.
You know what?
Abey Ja!!!.....Saale!!

Ogling at me was not enough for you,
Using dirty remarks at me was just not fun enough,
You "Had" to follow me in the bus,
And grope me in all ways possible in public..
You should have just died, but as of now...
You know what?
Abey Ja!!!....Saale!!

Your son's education was just not lucrative enough for you,
His white collar job just not decent enough,
You "had" to put a price tag on him,
I was blinded by his fake innocence,
But, I have to tell you this...
You know what?
Abey Ja!!!.....Saale!!

There are so many of us,
Suffering in silence,
Praying for freedom,
But still accepting "the wrong",
But high time, we spoke up,
Its time to flash that middle finger,
Literally and otherwise,
And say it aloud with me,
To all that is wrong,
To all who is evil,
You know what,
You Disgusting, Good for Nothing, Burfened lives?
Abey Ja!!!...Saale!!
Go Die!! Kahin Ja Ke Mar!!!...Saale!!


P.S. Coming Soon----"Get Lost, You Bastard!!".........(Anger Continues.....)

Yes I Am Fat...Bite Me!!

Right now, my facebook status reads this --- "I am fat. I eat a lot. I sleep less and get up till late. I am online all the time. I am just a girl who gets lonely and is running away from her own self. I am not able to put my mind to one thing. I want to look pretty in the pics. Everytime I upload a pic, I know what the comments are going to be. Inside and out, I am a big bundle of mess. But still I am glad I didn't give up, when time was rough on me. I am smiling now. Soon I will mean it too. I know.."

I am not trying to be defensive. But even if I am fat, it doesn't mean I eat all that much. Or even if I hog a lot of food, may be because I am still emotionally low sometimes and want to fill that gap by eating. I know it doesn't help but still. At least I am not sitting everyday with a can of beer and fried chicken. I mean you don't take a second to comment, to remark, the moment I take a plate to serve food for myself or the moment there is a discussion in which food is involved. The moment the word "chicken"/"KFC" is uttered, the discussion suddenly becomes about me. I upload a year old pic on FB, the comment is not about how nice that pic is but it is about how fat I am now. This treatment is eating me up so bad that now I avoid meeting old friends.

I know a lot of people are going to get offended reading this. May be my tone is not correct. May be I should just make it clear in front of people, on their faces, that "enough is enough". You are making me conscious, everytime I am eating in public. This blog post doesn't make any sense when I don't have the heart to tell people that even if I am laughing off that joke on fat people (meant only for me), something is cracking inside my heart. My smile is drooping into an upset curve.

Yeah I am not getting up in the morning. Yes I am not working out or going for a walk. Yes I am not cutting down on fried snacks/spicy food. So? Bite me!

This post is basically written to tell myself ----"Listen, you don't care!! You just don't care!! You build your own standards and live upto them!! 'Coz that's what matters at the end of the day!! So forget everything, and laugh on that "fat girl" joke along with everyone else but this time your heart should smile too. You don't need too many people to say/feel that you are pretty inside and this fat is just a phase. If you know it girl, its enough! It is enough! Muaaaaaah!"

Love,
To Me from Me :)
I am proud of you girl! (Note To Self)