My 2015 Confessions

My 2015 was a lot of things. An FB post would definitely not suffice. I would want to relive some of those moments while I type away.. Please bear with me..

In 2015...

1. The screen in front of me blurred a lot of times while I typed. The keyboard got fed salty droplets, while my laptop wondered what's wrong.

2. I laughed a lot. I laughed so much that my stomach hurt. 27% of the times I was genuinely happy.

3. My sky fell short as the days went by. The sky that I got had all clouds. The earth that I got was nothing but a fallow land.

4. I genuinely picked books this year. I pledged to learn..to polish my skills..to become a better version of me. I'm still going strong.

5. I made few promises. Lived some. Broke some.

6. I gave in to the spur of the moment. I behaved immaturely more than once. Definitely not something that I am proud of.

7. I went back to my roots. The songs of the soil will always be cherished.

8. I built many illusions. Its as if you feel that you own the world but you may not have solid ground under your feet. Illusions. Yes, many of them.

9. I caused hurt and pain to few dear ones. I will remember the knot after tying two parts of a broken thread. I will remember to not fall prey again to strong temporary illogical beliefs.

10. I sat alone by the quiet river. Life is a weird thing. The more you run from it the more it engulfs you in it. I ran. Ran from myself, from the unpleasant, from the negative, from the undesirable..and stopped by this river. My reflection flickered in the water as I bent to quench my thirst. I slipped. I fell. I drowned. Now I don't run anymore.

11. I got wounds but healed too. I'm ready to wither more as I stand firm on my feet.

12. I got hit by the ocean waves and got bruised. But funny how the warm salty water of the sea doesn't let you go home injured. The sand provides you shelter. This year I fell in love with the ocean again.

13. I saw rain. Lots of it. Hopes, lives, future floating, rotting in neck deep water. But then the clouds parted to give way to the Sun. The rays shone through.

In 2015, I continued to be my complex self. I may want to go back and change few things and I may also want to go back relive few things.

55 minutes  more to go before the new year rings in. I'm planning to live each day as it comes and make the most of each moment.

Happy new year !!

Her Truth

She had storms in her feet or let's say waves...she could dance for hours..imagining an audience cheering for her and wanting to see only her performance. She was a born celebrity. Giving interviews, signing autographs, addressing crowds, receiving awards, hosting events --- right there..always under the spotlight..whenever she was alone..in her own world. She was her inspiration - her world where she completely rocks! A little more bounce in her hair and her gait.. A dress that shows her flat mid riff (precisely a T-shirt knotted a little above her waist...Lol) and the music... Loud, melodious... And the applause.. She was the queen..the most famous one with a spark in her..

But then..she grew up and saw everyone else getting defined by their muses, their companions. Who will be hers? She didn't know what she wanted. Who is that ideal companion? Voila..she realized..any Tom, Dick or Harry who likes her is an ideal companion.. She met Toms, Dicks and quite a lot of Harrys. All that glitters is not gold. True. But she ran behind the glitter. Since everyone else has something that shines... Someone who writes beautifully for someone. Someone who fights and protects someone from other creeps. Someone who makes someone laugh. Someone who makes someone cry when not around. Different shades of glitter. But not gold !! Mere stones with glossy finish..

She never realized what she wanted or who she was until that one fine day she saw the hero stretch himself out on the stage floor completely in front of his heroine while millions of fans watched. He thanked his mademoiselle, his leading lady for making him meet himself -- his real self.

She wanted someone who could give himself to her completely..surrender to her to win her heart.. Someone who will reach the peak of success and stretch his hand for her, just to prove that it's all because of her and is for her..someone for whom she could go beyond all means and limitations and it will all be worth it..someone who can be himself with her and be himself because of her..on top of it all she wanted someone she can be her real self with.

Because as a little girl, she had always imagined that one unknown stranger who means a lot to her, watching her, admiring her, being proud of her, while she sets the stage on fire!

#NotetoSelf

So many words,
Molten lava,
Over sensitive heart,
Hurt emotions,
Hyper-active brain,
Remains of few yesterday's dreams,
Fear of dreaming again,
Missing positive spark,
Lost genuine laughter,
Burst bubbles,
Comfort zone,
But need to go out of the box.
Mere survival or excellence?
So finally the judgement announced..
You are pointless.
A mere bubble
With a second long life.
The wings that you had were illusionary.
Emotions or logic?
You tried to change what you are
Now you can't be recognized.
You are a string..
Ready to break..
Go sink into that chair and wonder
Slow down because you are direction less.
The faster you go,
The sooner you will get lost.
You are judged..
Your every move..
Your every  breath,
Is being mapped.
Good? Bad? Ugly?
Lol God knows..
This is rock bottom..

Fooled by words
Always.
Then you soothe your wounds
With the salt of your tears.
What's the point?

Stop and look at yourself
Who are you?
Where do you want to be?
What are you doing about it today?

You are taking steps in the dark
You are aiming nowhere..
You are lost and no one is looking for you..

The judgement has been announced
You are pointless.

Ola Cabs - Moment of Truth

This cab services was highly recommended for being cost effective. So I took the switch today because Fastrack clearly is very expensive.

The car that came to pick me up was quite comfortable and well maintained.
But the notification that I will be charged double due to peak hours is a let-downer.
Chennai traffic adds to the agony. But that's not the driver's fault of course.

Now I need to know the final bill to pass the final judgement. Now for the Ola App -- Rate 5 stars? Or uninstall?
Aaaaaaaaand the moment of truth.. Uninstalled!!

P.S. by the way the bill was one and a half times what  Fastrack free!!!

An Open Letter to A Woman

Dear Ms. Precious,

You can't give up just yet. You are a living example of how one needs to have courage to make wrong decisions and more courage to take more wrong decisions. Considering this, statistics show that you are quite courageous.

What happens when you fall..when you get weak..when you worry..you solve nothing. These are experiences which make you, you. Look back and see would you want to change anything..anything at all. Why would you want to change anything when from being a meek and naive girl, you turned to being a woman who can take on the world, only because of these circumstances.

Get bold, my dear. Feel the fire within you turning into pure gold. You are sensitive to others' emotions. You are smart and intelligent. You are everything. You are not weak. Period.

Don't wait for the world to tell you their opinion of you. Even if they do its not worth a penny. Because only you know your circumstances and the reason behind each one of your decisions.

You are not a puppet. You can't be made to dance with your strings on someone else's fingers, no matter how hard they try. Trust me, they will fall. They always have. Haven't they?

You are the best at everything you do. You give your heart and soul to everyone and everything around you. You think so so much about others. But then you forget the most important person you need to think about. You! What about your health, your peace, your sleep, your happiness, your future?

Stop thinking for just few seconds. No, the world won't stop spinning. No, the sky won't come crashing down. No, they won't forget you. Nothing of this sort will happen when you stop worrying. Even if it does, trust me my angel, you are a Phoenix. You always rise and you will rise again. Stronger and much better, much much more special.

Start valuing yourself, my precious. Only then the world will. Wipe away those tears or cry your heart out. Do anything that makes you feel great. It's your life. They will judge you. They will smirk at you but it doesn't and shouldn't make any difference to you. Only one person's judgement and opinion about you matters the most. Baby, its yours.

Laugh. Laugh out loud. Scare the hell out of them when you are laughing. The whole world fears strong happy women. Because these women refuse to be taken for granted. They refuse to be snubbed and dominated. They are power. You are them. You are the greatest power of all times and the energy hidden within you can destruct or construct a whole new world. You choose, my darling.

Honey, close your eyes and look within. See how beautiful you are. Feel how your heart is made of gold. Feel how your soul is pure like drops of morning dew. Now open your eyes and look at yourself in the mirror. See the smashing beauty. See that head held high. See those pretty eyes. See that smile no one in the world can miss. See that glow on your face. Listen to the mirror smiling at you and telling you that "you my lady, are the most beautiful woman in the world".

You go girl. You shine. You shimmer. You rock. You are unique and unmatched. Trust me when I tell you, woman, you are the best.

With a thousand bows,
Me.

This is Love

The world rushed past
The stillness
Of those two pairs of eyes..
For them the moment had frozen..
Each blink seems like ages..
As the view is so beautiful..
Mirror of each other..
Seeing the souls...
Reassured..
This is love..

#sigh #dreams

Illusions

She had everything
But then had nothing..

She basked in the light of the moon
She couldn't touch

She blinked at the twinkling stars
She couldn't reach

She looked in those pair of eyes
And wondered
Why she couldn't see herself

In this world of illusions
She was real but...

A Cloud in The Sky

How intensely did he love,
That he could never forget her?
He saw her in the unwrapped token of love..
Oh God..
She can never be good enough..

Sigh..she tried..
But then..
There is a thing called 'first love'..
Nothing is the same after that..

She will be,
But a cloud in the sky,
That belongs to the moon.
Totally..

Green of Envy

As they laughed together,
Aloud,
The wine glass snapped,
In her fingers..

Jealous..

As he shared a secret with her,
She smiled but bit her lip..

Possessiveness..

Lonely in a crowd
Dressed in the green of envy..
Crimson on her lips and fingers..
She wondered..
Whether she is the luckiest,
Or the loneliest?
The queen or,
Just a shadow?
A dream or,
A reality?

Intense emotions
Of happiness,
Leave her sad and insecure
She thought..

A fool,
She didn't know her worth..

Earlier she said, 'You are lucky to have her,
and he laughed..she laughed with him..

The secret was a surprise planned just for her..

He and her friend
Were all about her
But
She and her mind
Kept drawing
Heart churning conclusions..

As he held her hand
And the fingers entwined
She smiled
A glow beaming straight from her heart..

How she wished
She could lock him inside her heart..
How he wished
They could together fly away...

Friends??

Statutory Warning: Negative splurges ahead. Reader's discretion is advised. 

Everyone is familiar with the vent spree I went on few days ago. I got messages, calls from so many of you. A lot of long lost friends got back in touch just to check if I was ok or if there is anything they can do to make me ok. Aww.. See this doesnt happen often. I am someone who goes to bed every night thinking, 'where are my friends?'. 

Where are the ones who used to hang out with me? The ones I used to fight mom for..


"I need to go on that trip mumma! I dont care if it is expensive. 
I want to go. All my friends are going."

Where are the ones who I used to lie for...just so that I get to be with them more?

"Mumma, if I don't go for this group study, I fail. I will definitely fail the exam."

Where are the ones who I used to go on long bike/car rides with? Where is the 'gedi' gang?

"Chaat, paanipuri, aalu tikki, rain, breeze, giggles, Jazzy B on the car audio, laughter"

Where are the ones who stood by me when I was low?

"Break ups, fights, tough times, ill-health, rain or shine"

Where are the ones......

Wait.. see I cant think of many things... I have always been this bird... flying from one shore to another..season after season..no long memories...no long stories (or probably too many)... but then..
look at me all grown up..with responsibilities and duties to fulfill..professionally and personally..still wondering sometimes..'Where are my friends?'

So when so many of you got back in touch.. I kind of didn't know what to do. What to share and what not to.. there is just so much to catch up on.. How will you understand what happened today when you were not there yesterday? How will you know the rain if you didnt understand the reason behind it?

I don't know how to be a friend.. I have never known.. I would never know.. For a simple reason I have never had a long time friend..or friends.. Just drizzles of emotions from people around me once in a while... at least that's how I look at it..

Where is that strong pillar or the shoulder to lean on or the 'I am here for you always' pat they define a friend with? Where is it? It is no where... 

927 'Friends' on my Facebook list... 
*smiles*

"Neha, these friendships disappear as time passes by. Don't run behind them like a shadow. Focus on your goal. You can be your biggest friend and your biggest enemy. You choose.", he said. She squirmed and replied sternly, "Dad, you just don't understand me. You don't understand your own daughter!!" He smiled, "Time will answer this for you."



Ciao!
Aparna 

I Am Not Me

When you are not around
I am this dry leaf..
Fallen from my tree..
Waiting for my end..
In the soil..

When you are not around..
I still am all the people they need..
But I am not this one person..
I am not me..

There is just so much I am
When I am with you
But without you..
Like I said..
I am not even me..

Shadow of the Moon

I want to hold that sky in my arms..
Fill my pockets with the stars..
But..
I waited too long..
I wonder now..
Whether destiny is a thing to believe in..

I wonder now..
Whether I accept that the sky is far away
Or fight the stars..

I wonder now
Whether I steal the moon and hide
Or just stand and stare..

I wonder how far..
I can survive..
This rush of emotions..
This emptiness..
This feeling that I can reach out and touch you..
But the reality is that..
You are probably an illusion..
Just like the shadow of the moon..
In the river..

Few More Drops of Love..

I haven't been able to write from sometime now but have so much to tell..

"Few words unsaid,
Few emotions unfelt,
Came trickling down from heaven,
To my heart,
Slow like tear drops,
Fast like a storm"

The confidence of clarity,
The assurance of self esteem,
The power of self worth..
It is all coming back..

"I am the most important person in my life " - I am coming face to face with this fact more often..

"Doosro'n Ki jai se pehle,
Khud Ki jai karo"..

In the end..a continuation from the " Two Drops of Love" series..

"You trust so easily, you fool!", he said, looking deep into her tearful eyes. His words were a mix of anger, honest care and a strong emotion he couldn't put a name to yet. But that emotion was giving him that 16-year-old-feeling with each passing day. She looked back and smiled at her own reflection in those eyes, sighed and hugged him. His heartbeat kept spelling her name through the night.

Be Careful..

She dreamt to be a rose,
But became a thorn instead..
Be careful..
She can draw blood

Two Drops of Love..

The rain stopped on his eyelashes and she got all drenched.

***

They fought the biggest fights but they always knew they will end up together.. May be they didn't.

***
He opened the door for her and pulled the chair. The promise of a happy life sparkled in the champagne glass. A dream came true.

***
There was a big crowd of people around and a lot of noise but only until their eyes met.

***

She found a love message in her daughter's mobile. In her old book, a rose dried a little more.

***

He was not answering her calls. She was furious.
The door bell rang. It must be him.
'I'm going to kill him', she murmured to herself.
He was right there....wrapped in the flag. She will never forgive herself..

***

Happy Mother's Day

She doesn't know,
What it's like,
Being comforted,
Being hugged selflessly..

She doesn't know,
What's it's like,
To have hot cup of coffee,
Waiting for her,
When she had to be up all night,
Studying..

She doesn't know,
What it's like,
To have someone she could run to,
When he left her,
And her world came crashing down..

She didn't know
Unconditional love..
The love of a mother..

You are blessed if she is right in front of your eyes..

Happy Mother's Day..

A Friend is A Friend

A friend is a friend.

A friend is not competition.
A friend can be trusted.
A friend understands you and is there for you.
A friend doesn't judge you or hurt you.
A friend laughs with you not at you.
To have a friend, you need to be a friend.
A friend is not waiting to stab you.
A friend protects you, guards you.
A friend is proud of you.
A friend by day and enemy by night or vice versa is not a friend.

I don't know why
But when I try,
I die a little knowing,
That I'm drawing,
Few lines..
In the name of friendship
And ending up with blanks..
Empty spaces..
Voids..

My Obesity is My Problem

I wonder why obesity is not acceptable. Is it because of true care or is it something to make fun of? When the day ends, all that mockery and jokes, leave a heart really sad. It might be making someone hate themselves. How come one person being overweight becomes everyone's concern? Everyone becomes a fitness guru, guiding, advising, mentoring. But ultimately you are constantly reminding someone of how different they are, how they are not a part of the "in" crowd.

Please let a person's weight be his or her problem. Do try to look beyond the physical set up of things. The fat is going to be burnt away by hook or by crook, in days, months or years. But it will be difficult to forget how the person was made to feel.

I may not be able to express it but it does feel completely demeaning. My talent, creativity, zeal, abilities suddenly feel nothing in front of how I look.

I have become this way due to a reason. A reason that I suffered. A reason that when I had multiple downs, food was the only thing I found comfort in.

I know I'm wrong. I know I'm big. I know I'm not healthy. I know if it goes on like this I will have serious health issues.

I know all of this. Trust me every time I look at myself in the mirror I get reminded of all of this. Everytime a dress doesnt fit me, I get reminded of all this. You don't need to make it worse for me than it already is.

I try. But I fail. I try again and I fail again. But that doesn't stop me from trying.

Next time can we not make it about me? Are you telling me I am the only overweight person you know? Is it that odd for you to skip this topic of my obesity and speak about things where I can be truly happy and genuinely laugh?

I know I crack a lot of jokes on myself but that's probably because I'm scared that you might initiate a joke about me. My jokes probably hurt me less.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a normal human being, just like everyone else. I know this might be a fun read for you but you would never know what I have gone through. You would never know ( even if I laugh with all my heart about all the sufferings of the past). Wounds don't heal so easily. They take time and probably I will take time too.

Please let me do this on my own. Please don't judge me on each move of mine, each meal, each hurt, presence or absence of me. Please give me the time I deserve. I know you mean the best for me but somehow you are making it tougher for me, making it difficult for me to be in my skin, making me hate myself more and more. I fear it will affect my confidence too.

Be my friend, well-wisher...but not at the cost of my self confidence and true smiles.

I hope you understand.

Our Magic

In between the arguments
The disagreements
And the head nodding in the negative,

In between the heat and gloom
The hopelessness
And blue sighs..

In between the disbelief
And regret
Of decisions,
A mix of wrong and right...

Our magic shines
The magic that turns your eyes away
But then brings them back to me..
The magic that lies on the tip of your fingers
When they entwine
With mine..

Our magic
The magic of 'us'...

I am different..

I am different.

I can hate and love
The same person
Simultaneously
And in multiple ways
Million times over.

I am different.

I can loathe and adore
Myself
Trying to motivate self
But then get totally surprised
at those
Wet eyelashes.

I am different.

I can smile a lot
But then cry
Probably scream inside
Because I fail
Fail to understand
My sorrow
And my happiness.

I am different.

Logic ditches me
At the most sensible of times.
The sad past does make me
Question my well-lit future.

I am different.

I am different
Because
I am right and wrong

I am different
Because
I smile a lot
And mean it too sometimes

I am different
Because
When I look at the horizon
I feel whoa!
That is so me
'Boundless and beyond'
'Close yet so far'.

I am different
But then may be I am not.
I am a woman. You see?
I can be a million things..

My Cinderella Story..

He....
The one who doesn't know
Cinderella's Story.

The one who is no prince
But an apprentice.

She...
The one who is no princess
Neither a commoner.

The one who in the end
Always forgives.

Such is life
Such is our story.

Because in the end..
No matter what..
The glass slipper always fits.

The Dark Light

Nothing to hide
Or conceal.
Acceptance has bravery
Hidden to heal.

When tears build up
But are forced
Not to fall.
They dry..
They burn..
And turn the soul
To ashes
Dark..meaningless..

Anger and rage..
The heat of burnt aggression..
Unextinguished..
The fuel to power
Drive strength..

Negative
When channelized well
Is positive...

Who Am I?

Who am I ?

Am I the one giggling aloud with you?
Or the one weighing myself every second, a morsel of food hits my tongue?

Am I the one jealous of every thin or popular woman out there?
Or the one who is a coward, trying hard to please everyone?

Am I the one learning to say no for things I don't approve of?
Or the one whose soul is screaming in disagreement inside but not even a whisper comes out?

Am I the one with so many dreams?
Or the one lost with no direction?

Who am I ?
Too many questions.
No answers.
Just instances of the extremities.

Being most honest now,
But still reeling under the fear of rejection
Of being an outcast
Of being out there...
Left alone in the cold.

Who am I ?
A brave soul?
Or a scared heart?

Who am I ?

My Soul Yearns

Stuck in the middle of nowhere,
The path divides into many directions,
Taking with it, a part of me...

Losing myself bit by bit
To the madness,
Of excelling,
Of being better,
Of surrendering..

Few dreams beyond the horizon,
Wait for me..
But I wonder for how long..

I might still be here,
Stuck in pettiness..
While my soul yearns,
For that illusive peace..
Of pure joy,
Of real aspirations,
Of my true being..