The Contentment

And another day has come to an end. The day was tiring no doubt. Office not that much but then cleaning the house, doing the dishes. Won't say that hubby dearest doesn't help. He cooked dinner for both of us. Only he has this capability of being sweetest sometimes and meanest some other times. But being tired helps. Nothing like breathing in a clean house with shining floors. Feels so fresh!! After all its my home and I should be taking care of it. If not me then who else will? Eyes are definitely feeling heavy. It was a beautiful holi and I'm going to bed with a feeling of content. Phew!

Scribbling Away...

I am staring at the letters and not sure of what to type I guess. Funny how I could have written about so much all this while but never got around to it. Reason? Well, things might not sound so exciting or even if they do they might not feel "right". Getting to be a mother in a few months and the journey so far has been a bumpy ride. Mood swings, fatigue, hunger and loss of appetite, or just being uneasy and not to forget all the lecture and free advice one can come across at this stage. But when it comes to "understanding" what I am in to, well, that doesn't seem like anybody's cup of tea. I too am scared of talking about my difficulties all the time, I'm scared of being labelled as annoying. But then I won't say that I don't miss a hand on my forehead, a sympathetic ear, a comforting hug, some patience that shows that "yes I understand, you weren't always like this. I understand your hormones are playing up a little bit. I then feel that even if all of this was available when ever I'm falling short of it, I might still be shedding tears about something else. I don't mean to call myself over-sensitive. I just mean to say that life is tough no doubt but I don't have to push myself to the edge all the time. I mean its ok to get upset, feel bad once in a while as long as I'm able to pull myself back up again. To top it all I can hear a baby crying somewhere. Not for long. Soon enough I'll have one crying, lying next to me and throwing all sorts of tantrums which will make me go "crazier". Anyways, scribbling helps. Sigh...

The For-grantedness!!

How sometimes one loses patience and remembers that this is the maximum they can take?
I have been ignorant and selfish while growing up. Now why am I saying that? It's because now I understand how someone who is being selfless and is always being there for you, shouldn't be taken advantage of. I don't know if I am making sense but I had to rant this out. I hope things get better and inner peace prevails.

Why Did You Never Teach Me?

You taught me how to,
Toughen up against the world,
Stand up for my rights,
Be morally right,
And polite.

You taught me how to,
Love selflessly,
And to keep the family together,
To understand and listen,
Be kind.

You taught me how to,
Smile in pain,
And not be afraid,
Be grateful,
And work hard.

But why is it that,
Tears roll down my cheeks,
When my forehead burns with fever,
Or when an injection hurts?

Why is it that everything I cook,
Reminds me of you?

Why is it that you never taught me,
How to live without you??

Mom, I don't know if I have said it enough number of times but I miss you a lot and I'm counting days to the moment when I will see you. I hope that happens soon enough.

All In One Day...

What is this day about? It was about stress. Stress of all kinds. It was about not being able to express yourself and not having the strength to guard myself against "stress". It was about trying to take care of myself (as much as I can) but then failing and suffering as a result. It was about not being able to explain myself without sounding rude. That was me losing the battle against this stressful day. But is it over? No, not yet. Not before the "guilt" comes crawling into my mind of not being able to become the perfect partner one expects when the door opens, the door to our abode. It was about having a cheerful smile because you missed seeing him the whole day in spite of the day being so mean to you. But it was also about frowning and getting really disappointed at the fact that you do need to justify yourself even if you are not wrong.

But like I said, it was after all just a day. It came to an end and the Sun will rise again tomorrow and I'll be here to see it. Phew! Writing does help. So do we say that I won the battle after all?

Not Yet!

December 21, 2012 12:30 a.m. Today when I close my eyes I sense a lonely me. Or to be precise the me who is all alone. Being lonely or being alone could mean two different things. But let's not get into that. My current life could be described as a series of events which could be portrayed as the big bang theory. Only that the big bang theory gave birth to a solid earth and here I am trying to collect the pieces of me after this BIG BANG ! Its as if I attract mess like a magnet. I could define my current state as a happy state too. But I might sound totally crazy if I say I'm happy. To be more accurate I am standing by my decision with a hope that happiness will follow. This assumption may or may not be true in the end of my story. I could very well be sitting and cribbing right now. "What wrong did I do to deserve this?" Or "Why me? Always??". But I won't do any of that. I never feel sorry for myself. It is as if the whole purpose of my living is to keep going, keep exploring what life has in store for me and try my best to keep myself together in all circumstances. I know this post might be judged as a completely eccentric post. But I had to vent out. Because of no other reason than I am tired. The energy in me has drained. I want to fall like a log but my only fear is the ground on which I fall might not be strong enough to hold me. I want to give up and hibernate, just cut myself off, without having to make an effort to explain myself to me or to anyone else. I might have big warm drops of tears rolling down my cheeks right now while I am typing this because may be I am realising that I don't have the luxury to give up. I have to keep fighting till the end. I can't give my arms up because I can't accept being imprisoned. Not yet ! Letting the tears dry, The Pink Orchid

Voices in My Head

I need something to overcome the voices in my head. As night falls, the voices in my head get as loud as they can. Sometimes sad, sometimes happy, sometimes thrilled, sometimes depressed, they make sure I don't sleep. Exhausted, being weak, distracting myself with reading, tv, internet, Ah nothing helps. Its strange how this works!

Like right now, I know I need to sleep. I have to see a doctor tomorrow, practically today, its way past midnight. I have got to be in office in time. Cooking breakfast, lunch, cleaning utensils, washing clothes.. A lot of work is pending for the morning. But sleep is far far away from my eyes.

What am I thinking? Anything specific? Nope! Its a plethora of multi coloured thoughts. So many plans, certain complaints, inconveniences, worries, few joys, people around, work (both official and personal). It is as if a lot of thoughts keep waiting for the night to fall so that they could sabotage my mind and take away my peace.

While I am typing this, I, suddenly, felt something nice. My eyes are getting heavier. I can hear dreams calling. Peace is taking me in its arms. Yay! Writing does help. I'm feeling so light. Okay so before I start dancing because of the fact I blogged, let me just go sleep.

Good night y'all,

The Pink Orchid