Not A Song, Not A Dream..

I would not want to learn a song,
which I cant sing to you.
Not a word,
which hasn't fallen on your ears.
I would not want to miss out on,
telling you everyday,
that 'I Love You'.

I would not have a dream,
which you aren't a part of.
Not a destination where,
you cannot accompany me.
I would not want to miss out on,
seeing myself in your eyes,
everyday.

I would not have an emotion,
that remains unexpressed,
or a desire,
that you aren't aware of,
I would not want to miss out on,
knowing how much you love me,
everyday.

I would not want to stay,
when you are about to leave,
I would not want to be alive,
when you would not survive,
I would not want to walk,
on a bed of thorns,
when you are not around anymore.

I do not want to imagine,
a day without you,
when I would not know,
who to wait for anymore,
cook for,
and look pretty for.

I would not know,
who wants to look into,
my baby eyes,
or have a full laugh,
when I mix,
Bihari English in Tamil.

I would not know,
who would listen to me,
when I endlessly talk,
without making any sense,
who would value my opinion,
who would appreciate,
when I act mature.

Sweetheart,
with you not around,
I would not know,
how to breathe.

Don't you see,
I can go on and on,
but I would not really know,
how I would really feel,
when you are not around.

But I know this for sure,
that there is,
not a song, humming,
not a dream, shining,
not a destination, waiting,
not a smile, glittering,
not a hope, calming
not a ray of light, twinkling
when you are not around.

You must be wondering, why such thoughts? Well, I am already missing you bad and I had to see this video on youtube (embed at the end of this post) to exactly know how intensely I feel connected to you and how indispensable you have become. I am not able to write more because these are very emotional days for me when my past, present and future are about to unite, when I am about to become one with my dreams and all that I have imagined about love.

I want you to know that when I finally have you now to love and to hold till death does us apart, life doesn't seem tough anymore.

Forever Yours
The Pink Orchid

Trust vs Acceptance and Some Random Realizations

What is Trust? Is it expecting a commitment from him of following the rules set by you? "The ideal rules of being in a relationship"? Do you suddenly control their past, present and future, since they are committed to you? Do you control their thoughts and communications? Do you tie them to you? What is this trust? Why is this called the foundation of any relationship?
Trust, to me, sounds more like a business agreement. You doing a forgery and mishandling the accounts is a breach of trust in professional terms or not following the terms of a contract is a breach of trust. But why is this word so often used when it comes to relationships? What do you want from someone when you tell them that you trust them? Exactly what happens after that? They still continue to be who they are and not the entire 100 percent of the person that they are might be falling under your definition of being trust worthy.
So the next question is why trust? Trust is a heavy duty word which once broken leaves you completely off guard. You either don't trust again and become suspicious (Read "spy like") or you trust again and somehow get hurt again because no one can change their true nature just for you. Your definition of "trust" could be as extreme as him sitting next to a girl in a local train where that's the only seat left is a breach of trust or something as realistic as he having an extra marital affair, or being an infidel to be precise will make you not trust him again.
Ask yourself? Why did you choose him in the first place? Its because you love him or its because you want to be with him as long as he loves you? And what is this so called love by the way? Physical, emotional, psychological, financial? What is it? What is love?  Providing financial security? Making her feel emotionally secure? Psychological support? Satisfying physical needs? Looking good for her? Providing luxuries of life? Or a mix of all of the above? Or is it the restlessness you feel when you are not with him? Is it love if you feel that he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?
And then what happens one day if one of the above conditions fall weak? What if he lies because he doesn't wanna hurt you? What if he was lured into a party where something "not so nice" happened? What if suddenly you are not good enough for him or he feels that he deserves better? What if he still lives his life with you but only one part of his dual life belongs to you? What if he has friends you are suspicious about? What if your suspicions are true?
Do you start feeling burdened by this word "trust"?  Do you have the energy to spy on him? Do you want to irritate him by asking 100 questions about everything he does or says? Do you want to doom your relationship?
I have a better word than "trust". I call it acceptance. You love him. You accept him with all his flaws and merits. You accept him with all his charms. The charms that might be working its magic on 10 other damsels. Don't be worried. If you are his family, if he comes home to you and if that's making you happy then that is love. The cliched statement that says "If you love him, set him free, if he comes back to you he was yours, if not he never was". It is the mantra for people in love, for people who want a peaceful relationship.
Expectations would never go. But all of them might not be fulfilled. Don't let fulfillment/non-fulfillment of small expectations decide the future of your relationship.
Now the most important question. What if he clearly becomes an infidel the moment you express that you are going to accept every aspect of him, good or bad, pleasant or hurtful? Well, the answer is very simple. What made you think that he is going to remain loyal just because you have told him you trust him? Words make no difference. He will do his own things irrespective of what you think or say. Its upto him to remain loyal or disloyal to you. But its upto you to get hurt or not.


Found a few ashes,
Of known unknown faces,
Buried in my backyard,
Hidden from my eyes..


It was important,
It was "my" backyard,
Where I was sowing,
The dreams of tomorrows.


Now it stinks,
Feels unpleasant,
I have covered it,
With fresh mud,
With a layer of grass,
Green and fresh,


After all,
It was and is,
My backyard,
At least now it is..


"I saw myself in his eyes,
With every passing moment,
And suddenly I got lost,
One day.


I was searching for myself,
Hopelessly, frantically,
Then,
I could find my shadow,
Behind a crowd of many,
In his eyes.


Now I wonder,
Whether I would see myself,
Glowing and beaming,
In those eyes again,
Or will I just keep lurking behind,
As a shadow,
As a proof that, yes,
There I was,
The only one.
There I am,
Lost, nowhere to be found.


But I would never stop looking,
And may be one day again,
I will find,
Myself,
In those eyes"


P.S. On a totally unrelated note, I totally hate people trying to communicate indirectly with me. Hate is a strong word. Let's say it is unpleasant. If I am talking to you, you might as well reply to me. If not then let me know what makes me so unworthy of a direct feedback. I guess I have spoken too much. But it was just a random self realization. "Till now what was an honest appreciation could just become a fake smile. Time changes like that."

Vent It Out, Otherwise..

How important it is to vent out your emotions? Anger, grief, joy, disappointment! You keep them inside. Thinking you are weak or may be you just wish for the right time to vent or worse, take revenge. It kills you inside slowly, making you hollow. You pretend as if you have forgotten but the feeling never goes. It keeps building inside you, almost like lava, only waiting to burst out, turning you into a volcano. And the worst part about the volcano is it can harm if it is tried to be accessed at the time of eruption. So people slowly start keeping a distance from you. They forget their wrong deeds the moment they are done. What is remembered is what is visible in front of their eyes, the aggressive you. You don't realise but suddenly you are the wrong one and the people around you are the victims of your wrath, over and over again.

Vent it out or have the ability to forget. Save yourself from becoming a volcano. It is ugly, harmful. It kills the nature surrounding it and burns itself, turning you into an emotionless, hard structure of negative energy. Remember a stone-hearted human is just a machine, tough, programmed, minus the life.

If you want to really live and enjoy the sense of being in all the big and small joys it brings... Forgive! Forget! Express! Smile a lot!


Smiles and Sunshine
The Pink Orchid

Much Needed Rant..

Too many thoughts flowing in for me to write well. It is amazing how easy it is for people to judge others, to decide whether to respect them or not, whether they are worth the emotions or not. We choose. We decide. We decide that he/she is the one and then we do everything to bring the stars down for them or to be precise, make them sit on the moon. But does it remain like that throughout? No! Can we blame someone for the fact that this fantasy can't go on forever? Definitely Not! It is not too late when the true nature sets in and everything turns upside down. Be it insecurity, bad temperament or just pure selfishness!! It is bound to make the two of you fall flat on your back on a very rocky surface!

 

Worst part is you cant ask questions. Because you knew the plus and you were aware of the minus too, inspite of the fact that the other one tried to cover it and place only the best side on display. You crib. You breathe heavy. You wonder whether you were right in choosing each other. You dont want to adjust. You do not want to consider how the other person feels. Sympathy is a far cry but you are not even ready to empathise. What happens then? What do you do? It might be just one of those agreements but is your soul regretting or consoling you that this too shall pass. What is happening? Where is this going? Was loneliness more painful or this togetherness is hurting more? Was it fair to live in the intoxication of hell or this courtroom kind of life is better where judgements are passed every single day? You justify and then you wonder what the hell brings you to this questioning every second. You ignore and you are accused of being defensive which implies that you are guilty. Guilty of what? Well, God only knows!

 

My only concern is if you cant accept each other as you are, you will make your life hell. Life anyways is going to act like a bitch. Karma will also give you a taste of your own medicine every now and then. The last thing you would want is adjustment issues. Be together. Deal with the problems together. Help each other understand. Dont judge. Smile! Love! Act Cute. See the cuteness in each other's child like nature. Dream! There is so much to life than trying to crib over things which are beyond our control.

 

Okay the agove paragraph might feel totally unrealistic sometimes where all you want is to kill each other because you cant tolerate each other for one more second. That's the time you feel that you are choking on your own emotions and all that you have done for the happiness of your special someone. At a time like this I would suggest:

 

1. Cut yourself off from everything outside even her/him.

2. Sit alone and talk to yourself.

3. Write if that makes you feel better

4. Listen to your (both of your's) favorite songs. Songs which remind you of all the good times.

5. I know by now you are already missing them.

6. Switch on your phone. (you switched it off according to step 1)

7. Wait for him to call you. (he loves you, he will call you)

8. You have already forgotten everything bad I know.

9. Smile

10. Be glad you are together. Thank God.

 

 

Smiles and Sunshine

The Pink Orchid

 

P.S. I am switching my phone on now. Will he call?

Words Fail Me..

I don't know if I mentioned in the previous post that Sept 23 - 26, 2012, my first foreign trip took place. (Destination - Bangkok, Pattaya). The place is fun, bright and colourful and it was very special as it was my first. Also I didn't know that International Flights have an extra central row.
On a totally different note I'd want to mention a few things I have realized about me off late:
1. I am basically a homely person. There's nothing like keeping the house in order, cleaning, cooking and yeah being independent is a god-damn feeling.
2. I can be on the two extremes of care. Loving: I could give out my favorites just to see the other one smile. Indifferent: Oh! I could drop you from being a friend to a complete stranger in no time. So you better not get on my wrong side.
3. I bother the least about what people think about the stuff that I do or the things and people who are related to me. If I'm comfortable and I'm able to act responsible, if I'm convinced. Its more than enough!
4. I lose focus sometimes. I forget my interests, my passion, my dreams for something immaterial. But not all the time. Looking at the current state of my being I'm more or less sorted, except my bedroom is in a total mess right now. See, I told you!
5. I might not be religious but I'm a believer. I like to believe that I'm created by the almighty and He gives me strength. He would stand by me even if the whole world fails me, as long as I believe in myself.
6. I have not been writing quite often, the way I used to before. The reason could be (I'd be honest) the decreasing readership. But I guess it shouldn't stop me from expressing. I shouldn't forget that I started writing for myself.
7. I will die an old happy woman. I have a strong feeling about that.
8. I don't know why I'm mentioning it but I am gonna start gymming from tomorrow. God bless me!!
9. The more I'm sitting and writing here, the more this fact is haunting in the back of my mind that I have a lot of clothes to wash!
10. I had a lot to write I guess but then the chicken in the kitchen will burn if I don't run now. And yes this post is as random as it gets.
Smiles and Sunshine,
The Pink Orchid.
_______________________________________
You told me yesterday,
That my words don't make sense anymore,
To quote you, "they are not interesting",
And that has left me thinking,
Thinking as to what happened.
May be my words expressed,
To be heard,
To search for someone who could, Understand.
I wrote like madness,
Poured my heart out.
 And then I found you.
You heard me,
You understood me,
And you kept me close to your heart,
I found my abode.
Now my words don't interest me too.
I hardly need to express,
Because what I feel,
Can be seen in your eyes.
I think words are failing me now,
And I guess I don't mind..
I know you have read it all..
My expressions,
My words,
And Me!

Will You Regret?

He is upset. Upset to know that the girl he loved, the innocent baby girl has changed, transformed, deteriorated. He knows it all. He has been told everything. But his state of shock is heart-breaking. He is sitting in front of me totally low on the zeal for life. He has forgotten all the wrongs and has accepted me with all his heart. But.. He carries a human soul inside which hurts when he sees what I have done to myself. He could have never imagined in the wildest of his dreams that he would see me in this form. Totally unbound.. Extremely open in thoughts and actions. The girl who came home clad in a sari that he gifted has died I guess. He knows. But then he tries hard to bring her back. Watering the plant that has withered might give some hope but will it flourish again is a thing for which all of us will have our own doubts. While I type this he might just be thinking of what has he gotten into. He might be wanting to re-think this whole thing. This is a life-time decision and there will be no looking back.

I know you love me and I know I can justify myself to myself. But will you understand me? And really accept me? I am right or wrong I would know and I can be at peace with myself. But... do you think I am worth it? Worth the pain, the sighs, the fights, the disappointments???

Do you think I am the "One"??

Please think about it. The last thing I would want in this world is to see you regret!!

What Do I Write About?

What do I write about? It's been so long. I have been busy and when I look back today I realise that I am re-writing my life, with words unspoken before. This is the life that I dreamt of (yes no matter how cliched that sounds). Before I begin I should mention that I have "When You Say Nothing At All by Ronan Keating" playing on my brand new Sony Vaio E Series while I am typing this blogpost.
I have been building a home for myself. My nest. It would not have been possible without him. He who is going to be the harbinger of my soul for ever and ever. He whose eyes are where I reside. I know I am sounding repetitive and boring and this post looks like just another post with few factual announcements about my life.
But the truth is I am in a state where I am feeling that I have full control of my life. Henceforth I Decide! This is a great feeling - this thing called "Independent Living".
Tonight when I will close my eyes I would again thank God for making us meet. I wouldnt want to thank Him for all the good things that are happening right now (the entire big and small of it). I would just say ----
Hey You,
Mr. Big Eyelashes...
You complain,
You crib,
You point out mistakes.....

You tickle,
You make me roll on the floor with laughter (literally)
You jump with excitement when you see me cooking.
You write notes for me..

You irritate me
You annoy me beyond imagination
You make me want to pull my hair

You make me write
You make me blush
You make me high on life

You mess up
You regret
You confuse me

You beam of confidence
You focus on us and our wellbeing
You plan on a tomorrow where we see 'us' just like how we are today

Mr. Big Eyelashes,
I wanna tell you,
I fight with you to show that I got rights on you.
I scream at you for you to know that I know you wont judge me.
I cry in front of you because I know you would still know how strong I am.
I crib in front of you because I love it when you make me understand, when you explain.
I get possessive because I am very childish about you and I like it this way. You are 'MINE'!!

And just like any other post I ended up scribbling my heart out.
I better rush now because I have to cook, clean, crib, fight, irritate, annoy, love and sleep, in no particular order.