Orkut-Facebook-Blogger-Twitter

I am coming to mention my reading habit, umpteenth time now. But this post holds reference to what I have been reading off late. 

Almost all the management gurus, trainers, consultants have increasingly started to make reference to "How should one behave online? How should your social networking profile be? What should you say or not say? etc etc"

To be precise the following has been said about how to be while you are online:

- Do not use abusive words in your status updates/tweets/blogs

- Do not post offensive photographs 

- Do not say anything online that you would regret later (also holds good for emails).

I agree with all the above mentioned points. And if judged on these parameters my social life (online) would secure 99.99% marks (0.01% left to grace the benefit of doubt).

But then while you are reading the details on how a proper online social life should be, one tends to get doubtful. Especially people like me, who have been known for being online ALL THE TIME. :). Orkut-Facebook-Blogging-Twitter have been known to make everyone expressive. I can hardly think of anyone around me who doesn't get excited about sharing online, now be it, photographs, their achievements, thoughts or almost anything that matters. I do the same. I write. I write a lot. But will I be able to say that my online activities from the day I came online, have all been "proper". May be. May be not.  

Now should I go back and get on a "deleting frenzy"? Here comes the point I am trying to make in this post. I will not get on a deleting frenzy, not anymore, just so that a certain person does not judge me. When I read myself over and over, I have realized that I have grown mature over these years and my writes (be it my blogs, tweets, FB status updates) have all been proof of that. I would not want to miss my-self again. I would want to always remember how  I have evolved. No matter what I am tomorrow or where I am, achieving my dreams I would always come back to this and feel proud. 

I have realized that my emotions are my strength because I can express. All of this from Day 1 till date, has been me. I have learnt. I have grown but I would never forget my past and the teachings of it all. 

So here I am, 

promising to myself,

and to all the others,

who read me,

that,

I will continue,

to learn,

to share.

I promise to be,

proud of my beginning,

my destination,

and the road taken.

I promise to be,

Me!!

Lots of Sunshine,

Aparna Gautam

P.S. So you did notice? YES! My name. That's the whole point. :)

P.P.S. And please feel free to share what you think about your "Online Journey". 

And The Smile is Back

It has been long since I wrote something positive or thought anything positive. Something that could bring a smile on my face. My question is what is my worry about? Failure to control? Failure to trust? Failure to stop expecting? What if I delete all these things from my life? Why do I have to control or expect? When it comes to trust, well, the lack of it is only going to burn me inside? My inability of not saying what I want to say, when I want to say it? Got to work on myself a bit. LOL! Not a bit, quite a lot. My peace! My space! My happiness! When Where and How?

Now that was the most mundane introduction to an even more mundane post that is coming up. I am literally pushing myself to write this and I am writing exactly in the speed of my thought flow. It has been 28 days since my C-Section. Stitches are yet to heal and the pain remains but I do not want to get imprisoned by my health. Not compromising even a bit with the baby's needs and "demands". Apart from that all the household work that I am able to do, I am doing. Mommy is a great great help. I dont know if anyone understands her but I have never seen a more selfless person than her. All that makes her really bloom is a little bit of appreciation for ALL that she does. The baby is continuing to be his brave self. Braving treatment, injections, tests, vaccinations and what not. I wonder if these are good or bad times to be born in the 21st century. We are more health prone but then again dependent on injection pricks and medication drips/oral insertion for every darn thing. 

Today our hearts almost broke when we saw blood being drawn from his delicate little arm for certain tests. Felt that strong emotion that parents feel when your child is suffering. The Baby couldn't even express how scared or how much in pain he was. He

screamed. He wailed, drawing tears from all our eyes. But then again the moment he was in our laps, he got quiet as if he knew we will take care of him and no one can hurt him. He knew he is safe now.

I have got hold of this amazing book "I'm Pregnant, Not Terminally Ill, You Idiot!" by Lalita Iyer. (Not hyperlinking, Google if you want to know more, You lazy cutenesses!). Came across this book on twitter while celebrity-account hopping. This book looks really interesting and I will be able to relate to it the most since I have experienced motherhood quite recently. In fact I cant start to read through the moment I end this post which I just noticed has gone beyond the average length of my recent posts. 

Okay now, coming back to my first baby, my better half, my hubby dearest. I am not going to say much to let eyebrows be raised or get a "WTH" from him. All I want to say here is how much does it take to stop spoiling what is so beautiful and exceedingly special. The love can not be denied and even the endless efforts that we keep doing to prove otherwise can not be denied too. But that is not the point. The point is that I want to be happy. He is the reason of my happiness, no matter how philosophy beats upon the authenticity of the exact opposite. I am going to advocate more smiles and less tears. Reduce the things which lead to futile efforts on correction (so called). I am (I repeat) going to be happy and will do anything that it takes. 

Phew! Now this is a positive post. 

With her cheerful smile

The Pink Orchid 

What Do I Write About?

What do I write about? It's been so long. I have been busy and when I look back today I realise that I am re-writing my life, with words unspoken before. This is the life that I dreamt of (yes no matter how cliched that sounds). Before I begin I should mention that I have "When You Say Nothing At All by Ronan Keating" playing on my brand new Sony Vaio E Series while I am typing this blogpost.
I have been building a home for myself. My nest. It would not have been possible without him. He who is going to be the harbinger of my soul for ever and ever. He whose eyes are where I reside. I know I am sounding repetitive and boring and this post looks like just another post with few factual announcements about my life.
But the truth is I am in a state where I am feeling that I have full control of my life. Henceforth I Decide! This is a great feeling - this thing called "Independent Living".
Tonight when I will close my eyes I would again thank God for making us meet. I wouldnt want to thank Him for all the good things that are happening right now (the entire big and small of it). I would just say ----
Hey You,
Mr. Big Eyelashes...
You complain,
You crib,
You point out mistakes.....

You tickle,
You make me roll on the floor with laughter (literally)
You jump with excitement when you see me cooking.
You write notes for me..

You irritate me
You annoy me beyond imagination
You make me want to pull my hair

You make me write
You make me blush
You make me high on life

You mess up
You regret
You confuse me

You beam of confidence
You focus on us and our wellbeing
You plan on a tomorrow where we see 'us' just like how we are today

Mr. Big Eyelashes,
I wanna tell you,
I fight with you to show that I got rights on you.
I scream at you for you to know that I know you wont judge me.
I cry in front of you because I know you would still know how strong I am.
I crib in front of you because I love it when you make me understand, when you explain.
I get possessive because I am very childish about you and I like it this way. You are 'MINE'!!

And just like any other post I ended up scribbling my heart out.
I better rush now because I have to cook, clean, crib, fight, irritate, annoy, love and sleep, in no particular order.

The Bitter and Sweet of It All..

Its tough to articulate what I am thinking right now but so easy to know and confirm that I'm happy. I'm being taken care of. I am at peace. The hunt has ended, the running has exhausted, the search is tired. Its as if I am home after being worn out and completely drained from the struggles of daily life. I'm not surprised. I chose him with my innocent heart, when I didn't know the harsh realities of this world, the brutality of survival. I chose him when I was not "smart"ed by the changing times. I chose him when being worldly wise was a negative word for him. I chose him when I didn't even know what love is. I chose him and that was the end of it all.

Today he is there, right in front of my eyes, unfolding all his charm. I can see myself under the shadow of those dusky eye lashes. I can hear myself beating in his heart. I am running in his nerves and I'm not exaggerating. Take me away from his eyes and you'll see the restlessness, the disheveled breath, the lost him. Its as if he is the engulfing the soul that's me, giving the glow of life to his being.

I'm surprised at the feeling of tranquility. I have felt the extremes of all emotions, all of them. But not this quiet, this silence of relief when you can hear yourself breath, when you can sense the sound of the waves, of the breeze. The contentment that you are you and you can be you for times to come.

But all the emotions aside there is this darkness of fear in one small corner of my heart. The fear that its all a dream and there will be a barren land instead of the flowery heaven when I open my eyes. The fear that there are people ready to pour some acid on the soft skin of these pure emotions. The fear that he is scared. The fear that his hope will turn weak. The fear that he'll not be able to hold on. The fear that he'll give up.

Tonight I close my eyes, with a small prayer,

I wanna dream big
And fly high
Where there is nothing to stop me
Not even the sky high
But when I wear out
And get weak beyond control
A pair of eyes
And arms open wide
May they wait for me
At the doorway
At the corridor of my dream..
My home...

This Rakhi..For V.V. and Vishal Ji..

2nd August, hardly 2 weeks from now, is this amazing day of Rakshabandhan. Its amazing because the year that has gone by has given me few amazing people, who I need to not only thank but demand their care and adoration for my entire lifetime.

My Guide and 'Pillar' of Support: I don't know when this bond became so strong. He has patiently listened to me crib and complain. He has laughed on the saddest of my jokes. He has pulled my leg like no other and not even once did I mind him doing that (I did mind it once "what are you doing from there?" ;). I have fought with him with all the rights (not talking to him/ignoring him for hours together). I trust him. I have traveled with him. He has protected me and has shown me the right path. He has guided me. He is someone I can't keep a secret from (not anymore!). I love to do little things for him. I can be so so happy when he is around, we laugh like mad people, no matter how stressed we all are.

I thank you, V.V., for EVERYTHING!


The Elders (the shade of care): He has made sure his care is reflected through her. I don't know when these two became family. I have become a kid again, since she has been around. We laugh as if no one is watching. I can't wait to tell her EVERYTHING! And can't stand if she is upset. She understands me and I know it through her, time and again that they care for me beyond imagination. She has let me commit my errors, to let me learn on my own but has never failed to provide a shoulder to lean on, a source of strength to depend upon. They are my shade of care in this hot, sunny, humid land of Chennai. I take rights on her and bug her to the extent of her wishing to kill me. But she adores me, i can sense it. They have become an inseparable part of my life.

I have to thank vishal ji, and not mention her separately (since it is rakhi and I know she is already cribbing about how her birthday gift is still pending and how her name is not mentioned here even if this note vividly talks about her ;) ; Vishal Ji, I will always remember you saying "ye bada bhaai hai na" ; though I am not sure if you remember saying it or not. I cant thank God enough for both of you.

So.. Dear VV and Vishal Ji, be prepared with your wrists on this 2nd of August, because with just one thread I am going to make it official that I can irritate/bug both of you for the rest of my life.

P.S. Inder Bhaai and Shravan, you guys are next!

Vitamin-Aks!!

I am sleepy beyond imagination right now but I have to scribble this out. This movie "Vinaythaandi Varuvaaya" is the most stupid movie ever made. You must be wondering why such a baseless accusation. Actually its only a question -- "How could a movie be so 'you' so 'me'??"

You should have stopped loving me,
The day I walked out of your life.
You should have stopped missing me,
The day I held someone else's hand.
You should have stopped thinking of me,
The day you saw I am not the same "innocence redefined"
You should have stopped drenching me in your tears,
The day I got so practical that I stopped seeing the truth in your eyes.
You should have stopped running to me,
The day I started looking at a different horizon.
You should have stopped looking for me,
The day I stopped being the "pretty slimness".
You should have stopped writing about me,
The day I stopped listening to your words even before they poured out of your thoughts.

What we have today is beautiful. I moved on, you didn't. You waited at the same corner of the road where I left you four years ago. Your eyes still wet, forehead still moist, hands still shivering with nervousness, your heart still hoped that I would be back one day. I saw you and I wondered what could I give you. I have lost everything including the ability to love, the ability to have my heart racing faster with every breath I take. But I know I am wrong. Your emotions are taking me to the edge of the cliff and are trying to push me into the valley of new-found emotions of my own. I am falling free because you made me feel I am capable of it yet again. This time its more special because not only were you waiting, you also made me realise what have I been missing. I was missing "myself". I don't know what happens tomorrow, I am not God after all. But I have learnt this the hard way that life has nothing to do with "tomorrows". Life is made of a hell lot of "todays". And my "todays" are filled with "Vitamin-Aks". I can never be weak again, I'm sure!!

I am falling just to fly higher this time..

This Wont Make Sense to You!

Its difficult being mature. And just a sentence typed, and I realized its been ages since I typed a blogpost from a desktop (Blackberry Dependency Syndrome!!). Right now, a few mature decisions have been taken and the issues which are difficult to handle and require a foresight which I lack have been put on hold. Reiterating the fact, I would say I am still focussing on "having fun and living it up each day".
Commitments? A Big No!! Being single is so so so much fun. It is definitely less of pain and lesser of unfulfilled expectations especially for people who like to keep a tab of it.
Am I happy? Yes!! I am happy because I am being honest to myself. After a long and hard struggle to trying to make the "wrong" sound "right", I still failed. And proudly because the morals have not died yet. I couldnt compromise with the principals I never knew I had.
Does it hurt to walk out of something beautiful? It does. But how much? That depends on how prepared you were for the pain engulfing you. I was prepared. Prepared for the fact that I wont be able to be a part of a tragic lie.
Am I missing him? Yes and No! Well, in the fight between brain and heart, sensibility and morality won. Its strange having him around as a person with whom it was an emotional relationship and now I guess it would be formal. Emotional one hurt because it was lacking the vitamin-forever and this formal one will hurt because he had become a part of my daily routine. Ok may be I am sounding totally pathetic right now but I am thinking aloud. Judge me if you wish to. All I am saying is I know I am right!!
What next? Like I said, no commitments, lots of smiles, lots of food, lots of fun, lots of "me" time with people I want to be with, with people who are there for me today.
Why am I thinking so straight? I have realised life has to be seen in black and white, wrong and right. The color mix or the grey area is actually all the illusions and mess that we create around ourselves.
I know you didnt understand anything. In fact, this entire post is actually a collage of a lot of scribbles. Currently I am happy because I am in full control of my life (ok, it doesnt sound right. but then I feel I am in control) I have a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on, a soul to breathe in, eyelashes to admire, songs to hum, a heart listening to my nonsensical and sensible words, moments to be cherished (new ones being added continuously). Life can happen to you in so many ways. Off late it is happening to me in the form of "AKS".

Where My Roots Are..

My "real" tryst with nature goes back to my childhood days, when I was not me, when I was just my granny's little grand-daughter. Dad used to take us to granny's village for holidays. No electricity. No concrete roads.

My village, where morning is welcomed by gurgling and coughing oldies, creeching sound of the hand-pump, infants crying and cattle clinking their bells.

My village, where there are no regular toilets. You have to relieve yourself in the open and yes, the infamous "lotaa" system still prevails. Only that you could take an empty "lotaa" along, as there is a river flowing nearby. Ladies go there early morning in the dark so that no body sees them but still, to be on a safer side, they sit there with their faces covered, because they know that no one can recognize them from their behind.

My village, where there are no amusement parks, computer games or internet. The young girls and boys bring a lot of mud from the riverside and make their own toys. When their fathers are toiling hard in the fields, they play with marbles, or go fishing in the pond where an earthworm or kneaded flour acts as a bait.

My village, where kids go to a school where there are no benches or chairs, where they take their own sacks, to sit on and study. The school, where they sing along with "Master ji" chanting mathematical tables.

My village, where "nuclear families" don't exist. It is all joint. Food, fields, cattle, family, justice, income, everything.

My village, where there are no fans but it is always breezy in the lobby, or at the cot under the banyan tree, or by the river side.

My village, where there are no theatres but there is nothing more entertaining than two mother-in-laws discussing their good-for-nothing daughter-in-laws and vice versa.

My village, where no man apart from the husband could see the new bride's face for at least a year. She should always cover her head in a "ghoonghat" (veil).

My village, where there are no bathrooms or kitchen sinks, so the dishes are done, clothes are washed, bath is taken, all by the river.

My village, doesn't have elite rich inhabitants, but if there is a wedding, then all kitchens are shut down, as every single soul is invited for the "bhoj" (feast).

My village, where there are no marble/wooden floors which could be cleaned using floor-cleaning solutions. Here the mud floor is cleaned by a mix of mud and cow dung and no matter how unimaginable it sounds, once cleaned, the house smells like heaven.

My village, where there are no study lamps, where a bunch of kids gather around a kerosene lamp to study in the evening, while the mothers cook and fathers gossip about how the day was spent in the fields.

My village, where there are no DJs for family functions or get-togethers, but the ladies do not miss a chance to sing the traditional folk songs. The ladies who are totally unaware of the fact that their traditional songs are being proudly remixed and sold in the cities.

My village, where only few people have TVs, but their doors are always open for the entire village when there is an important match or if its "Sri Krishna", "Ramayana" or "The Mahabharata" time.

My village, where there are no air-conditioners or cozy mattresses, but where sleep is totally addictive on a bare cot made out of jute ropes because each and every soul has earned their siesta due to the day's hard work.

My village, which is far behind our comfortable living standards of the city, but where minds are at peace, faces are shining and kids are smiling. My village, where there is no mad rush, no cut-throat competition, no opportunistic behavior, no reason to be fake. My village where no one judges you based on what you wear, or how you look.

My village, where people are happy because they own all the things, money can't buy.

My village...

I miss those days. I miss those sunrises and sunsets. I miss my granny's bedtime stories where all of them used to end on one note "victory of good over evil". I miss being so close to myself.

For me, it doesn't get more real than this. My village is my tryst with nature and reality. My village where less is more, where my roots are, where I am.

Year 2011 - I Lost A Pebble, But Found A Treasure!!

This is a common phenomenon in the lives of all the bloggers (well, most of them) that they treat this last week of the calender year as a time where they reflect on the year that went by. I am no different. Its just that I want to look back to analyze where I was then (2010 last week) and where I am now. Writing this post is already making me aware that there is going to be zero readership for this one. But I have to write this. I owe this to myself.

Writing in points is better... (disagree? Jump off a bridge!!)

In the year 2011:

I WAS BROKEN BUT WAS NOT READY TO GIVE UP!!

1. I never gave up: I didnt give up, when I could have, that too, very easily. I had come home in December 2010. And it is never a good thing for an Indian Family when the "married daughter" comes back to their parent's home ever, for good. Yes...It happened. I did come back and I wouldnt want to get into the "Hows and Whys" of it. When relationships end, no matter how big or small, it is always painful. It was for me too. In my case it ensured that I am hospitalized (for the first time ever in my life). I was broken mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, internally and externally. But then could I just hide myself in the confinements of four walls.. No! I couldnt have! I had to move on, no matter how difficult, no matter how impossible. I did. I got back to my previous job. People were kind. No questions were asked. They were kind and they understood.

THE SMILE WAS RETURNING, SLOWLY!!

2. From "Counselor" to "Academic Counselor": Someone at my workplace knew that I am not happy with what I am doing. It was limited. It was just front desk sales - "Convincing people to Think CAT - Think TIME". I was unhappy. I quit. (Even though I left, few people will always be remebered and cherished "Balaji Partibhan, Nivethitha, Vidhya, Girijia Ma'am, Jagan Subburam, Mark North) Just like that. I needed more. Then I came to know of this new opportunity where an infrastructure company is foraying into education sector and an "Academic Counselor" (the title spelled "dignity/pride/respect) is required. It excited me. It felt as if this job and I were just looking for each other. I got through the interview and we just hit it off from there. Laying foundation of a school with young angels (LKG - VIIIth) std., an Architecture College (Ah! The Excitement, The Pressure, The Deadlines, The Sweet Sense of Success), A Music School (My love for Rock/Fusion/Indian Classical was reborn). I met some of the most amazing people in my life at this stage. Priya (My Current Boss: I have and I am learning so much for her. I bug her with my questions both personal and professional and she is always there with an answer. So much encouragement and motivation, I have got from you, Priya, Thank You), Mr. Ganesh Ram (My Super Boss: Woah! The enthusiasm, The energy and The positive attitude. I respect him!!) I made some great friends, Mukesh, Pushpa, Shwetha, Viswa, Raghav, Sujeen, Pramod, Jatan, Shyam Rao, Johanson, VijayGanesh, Jean Herve, John Gomez, Radha, Pon Prabha, Leo, Gaurav, Lunic....the list is endless (These names are in the order of which I came to know them, please dont take it otherwise. :)

LIFE IS A GAME AND "TRUTH & HONESTY" IS THE ONLY RULE!!

3. The Legal Legalities: Ok, this is something I dont want to talk much about. Chennai High Court (to file a divorce), Chennai Office of the Commissioner of Police (to file an FIR), Chapra Court (for a hearing on restitution of conjugal rights)... Pain! Confidence! "I dont care"! "I am not scared"! "Bring it on"! "I am not going to be suffering in silence"! "You asked for it, you will get it"! ----- Are some of the thoughts which made me stronger and capable of fighting for my rights with each passing day.

MY TRUE SELF!!

4. "Ullaas": No one has any clue, how much it means to me, the Cultural Committee of my Organization "Ullaas". I have been voted the Secretary, which makes it even more special. I met some of the most amazing people who have a clear understanding of the concept "Fun at Work". When I was slowly fighting the battles of my life, "Ullaas" brought my confidence back. The "Real Me" was suddenly standing in front of me, looking into my eyes. I told myself "I am back, Girl!" Hell Yeah!!

THE PAGE 3 MOMENT!!

5. Page 3: The picture says it all. Nonetheless, it was special!

Tweet! Tweet! - I CAN "TWEET-IFY" A "LOT"!!

6. Twitter Twee-Pals: 2011 saw the birth of @SunSandRain. (Though I still prefer to blog as the "The Pink Orchid";) ; Varun K Mehta, Faizal, Gurnaam Singh Sodhi, Sai_Ki_Bitiya, YaminiHasini, Neeraj Mallick, SavvyDaExplorer, Sunny_A, ShravanRN, _Vinay, Sawan, Manish0891, KP099 (Kumar), Pacificss, Jilaawatan (Inder), ShaileshKPandey, and so many more... I love reading them.. talking to them..bugging them..Each one of you mean a lot to me and I want to meet all of you someday!! Yeah!!

THE FRAGRANCE OF FREEDOM!!

7. Hyderabad: This is not just a place, this is another page in the book of my life. For the first time, in my life, I was away from home, not on a family trip, not on a school/college trip, but on a trip of my choice, where I went because I wanted to go. Thank You Viswa for making it possible. Paradise Biryani, Hyderabadi Bangles, Chaar Minar, RAC Train Travel, Endless Bus Travel and of course "Shwetha & Ra..." --- It is all going to be etched in my memory forever!

 

I guess that's about it. I have written enough and now when I look back on what I have written... I feel proud and grateful.

Thank You!!

P.S. I didnt want to repeat meeting Ms. Kiran Bedi here in this post 'coz that deserves a separate mention and it has been given its due here

Kiran Bedi and I Ft. Dhanush and I

I met her. I have grown up listening that I should become like her and learn from her. A die hard fan, me! I couldn't stop smiling when she was finally in front of my eyes.

God of Luck has been so kind to me that not only did I get an autograph, India Today put this picture up on their website, for which I will be grateful forever.

And they have me on Headlines Today here !!

Is it a beginning of something very exciting? :) You never know....!!