And The Smile is Back

It has been long since I wrote something positive or thought anything positive. Something that could bring a smile on my face. My question is what is my worry about? Failure to control? Failure to trust? Failure to stop expecting? What if I delete all these things from my life? Why do I have to control or expect? When it comes to trust, well, the lack of it is only going to burn me inside? My inability of not saying what I want to say, when I want to say it? Got to work on myself a bit. LOL! Not a bit, quite a lot. My peace! My space! My happiness! When Where and How?

Now that was the most mundane introduction to an even more mundane post that is coming up. I am literally pushing myself to write this and I am writing exactly in the speed of my thought flow. It has been 28 days since my C-Section. Stitches are yet to heal and the pain remains but I do not want to get imprisoned by my health. Not compromising even a bit with the baby's needs and "demands". Apart from that all the household work that I am able to do, I am doing. Mommy is a great great help. I dont know if anyone understands her but I have never seen a more selfless person than her. All that makes her really bloom is a little bit of appreciation for ALL that she does. The baby is continuing to be his brave self. Braving treatment, injections, tests, vaccinations and what not. I wonder if these are good or bad times to be born in the 21st century. We are more health prone but then again dependent on injection pricks and medication drips/oral insertion for every darn thing. 

Today our hearts almost broke when we saw blood being drawn from his delicate little arm for certain tests. Felt that strong emotion that parents feel when your child is suffering. The Baby couldn't even express how scared or how much in pain he was. He

screamed. He wailed, drawing tears from all our eyes. But then again the moment he was in our laps, he got quiet as if he knew we will take care of him and no one can hurt him. He knew he is safe now.

I have got hold of this amazing book "I'm Pregnant, Not Terminally Ill, You Idiot!" by Lalita Iyer. (Not hyperlinking, Google if you want to know more, You lazy cutenesses!). Came across this book on twitter while celebrity-account hopping. This book looks really interesting and I will be able to relate to it the most since I have experienced motherhood quite recently. In fact I cant start to read through the moment I end this post which I just noticed has gone beyond the average length of my recent posts. 

Okay now, coming back to my first baby, my better half, my hubby dearest. I am not going to say much to let eyebrows be raised or get a "WTH" from him. All I want to say here is how much does it take to stop spoiling what is so beautiful and exceedingly special. The love can not be denied and even the endless efforts that we keep doing to prove otherwise can not be denied too. But that is not the point. The point is that I want to be happy. He is the reason of my happiness, no matter how philosophy beats upon the authenticity of the exact opposite. I am going to advocate more smiles and less tears. Reduce the things which lead to futile efforts on correction (so called). I am (I repeat) going to be happy and will do anything that it takes. 

Phew! Now this is a positive post. 

With her cheerful smile

The Pink Orchid 

Mom-To-Be and Worried

Funny how I always turn to my blog when I am going through strange times. Right now with a 100 things that I want to write about, one stupid toolbar is blocking 5% view of this page. Well, that is that least of the things I am concerned about but still it does irritate you when you are already sort of bogged down. 

Okay first things first. The baby is due in a couple of months and to hell's glory I have been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. So things that were seeming quite normal till date are suddenly painted with grey fear of "complications". The doctor left no stone unturned to scare me out of my wits about what all could happen if I do not take proper medication and follow the 'correct' diet. I am scared. This thing doesnt go off my mind even for a fraction of a second. Have I unknowingly done something wrong to the baby? Will everything be normal? Am I proving to be a bad mother already? Is the baby inside me hating me? A lot of questions keep haunting me day in day out. Maternity leave has started so one does have a lot of free time. Not sure if the decision of taking maternity leave a little early was a good idea or a rushed one. But anyways I have already applied so I better do what would-be-moms do at this stage. Be healthy. Listen to the doctor. And remain happy as much as possible, even more. 

Hubby dearest is really kind and being his supportive self. He literally calmed me down after I met the doctor and she gave me the above mentioned updated. He can take care of me. I can see that and I am happy to see he cares about every tiny detail related to me and the baby. I am proud of him. Lol with this para right here this post doesnt look so depressing. Isnt it? Anyways with a husband like that life's problems dont seem like they are such a big deal. 

Also not to forget I am reading a lot and the more I read the more I feel it is such a healthy habit. Reading can help restore my sanity otherwise I can get really stressed with the latest developments. I will come back with more updates when I visit the doctor on monday, 17th June. 

Did I tell you that mom, dad and sister are coming down this friday. Yes yes!! this friday!! I am super excited. Mom is coming down after 1 year and few months. It will be such a delight to see her here everyday. It'll definitely relax me more. I hope sis and I dont fight on anything. I hope we are grown up enough and if we do I still hope mom can handle our fights like earlier days when we were kids. Lol it will be embarassing if my husband sees me fighting with sis like that. *giggles*.

It is getting to be a long post. I think I should give it a rest now. It does seem like I will be here more often but that's what I say everytime I blog. Isnt it? 

Anyways, until the next storm of emotions sets in,

Keep Shining,

Lots of Smiles,

The Pink Orchid

Words Fail Me..

I don't know if I mentioned in the previous post that Sept 23 - 26, 2012, my first foreign trip took place. (Destination - Bangkok, Pattaya). The place is fun, bright and colourful and it was very special as it was my first. Also I didn't know that International Flights have an extra central row.
On a totally different note I'd want to mention a few things I have realized about me off late:
1. I am basically a homely person. There's nothing like keeping the house in order, cleaning, cooking and yeah being independent is a god-damn feeling.
2. I can be on the two extremes of care. Loving: I could give out my favorites just to see the other one smile. Indifferent: Oh! I could drop you from being a friend to a complete stranger in no time. So you better not get on my wrong side.
3. I bother the least about what people think about the stuff that I do or the things and people who are related to me. If I'm comfortable and I'm able to act responsible, if I'm convinced. Its more than enough!
4. I lose focus sometimes. I forget my interests, my passion, my dreams for something immaterial. But not all the time. Looking at the current state of my being I'm more or less sorted, except my bedroom is in a total mess right now. See, I told you!
5. I might not be religious but I'm a believer. I like to believe that I'm created by the almighty and He gives me strength. He would stand by me even if the whole world fails me, as long as I believe in myself.
6. I have not been writing quite often, the way I used to before. The reason could be (I'd be honest) the decreasing readership. But I guess it shouldn't stop me from expressing. I shouldn't forget that I started writing for myself.
7. I will die an old happy woman. I have a strong feeling about that.
8. I don't know why I'm mentioning it but I am gonna start gymming from tomorrow. God bless me!!
9. The more I'm sitting and writing here, the more this fact is haunting in the back of my mind that I have a lot of clothes to wash!
10. I had a lot to write I guess but then the chicken in the kitchen will burn if I don't run now. And yes this post is as random as it gets.
Smiles and Sunshine,
The Pink Orchid.
_______________________________________
You told me yesterday,
That my words don't make sense anymore,
To quote you, "they are not interesting",
And that has left me thinking,
Thinking as to what happened.
May be my words expressed,
To be heard,
To search for someone who could, Understand.
I wrote like madness,
Poured my heart out.
 And then I found you.
You heard me,
You understood me,
And you kept me close to your heart,
I found my abode.
Now my words don't interest me too.
I hardly need to express,
Because what I feel,
Can be seen in your eyes.
I think words are failing me now,
And I guess I don't mind..
I know you have read it all..
My expressions,
My words,
And Me!

Will You Regret?

He is upset. Upset to know that the girl he loved, the innocent baby girl has changed, transformed, deteriorated. He knows it all. He has been told everything. But his state of shock is heart-breaking. He is sitting in front of me totally low on the zeal for life. He has forgotten all the wrongs and has accepted me with all his heart. But.. He carries a human soul inside which hurts when he sees what I have done to myself. He could have never imagined in the wildest of his dreams that he would see me in this form. Totally unbound.. Extremely open in thoughts and actions. The girl who came home clad in a sari that he gifted has died I guess. He knows. But then he tries hard to bring her back. Watering the plant that has withered might give some hope but will it flourish again is a thing for which all of us will have our own doubts. While I type this he might just be thinking of what has he gotten into. He might be wanting to re-think this whole thing. This is a life-time decision and there will be no looking back.

I know you love me and I know I can justify myself to myself. But will you understand me? And really accept me? I am right or wrong I would know and I can be at peace with myself. But... do you think I am worth it? Worth the pain, the sighs, the fights, the disappointments???

Do you think I am the "One"??

Please think about it. The last thing I would want in this world is to see you regret!!

What Do I Write About?

What do I write about? It's been so long. I have been busy and when I look back today I realise that I am re-writing my life, with words unspoken before. This is the life that I dreamt of (yes no matter how cliched that sounds). Before I begin I should mention that I have "When You Say Nothing At All by Ronan Keating" playing on my brand new Sony Vaio E Series while I am typing this blogpost.
I have been building a home for myself. My nest. It would not have been possible without him. He who is going to be the harbinger of my soul for ever and ever. He whose eyes are where I reside. I know I am sounding repetitive and boring and this post looks like just another post with few factual announcements about my life.
But the truth is I am in a state where I am feeling that I have full control of my life. Henceforth I Decide! This is a great feeling - this thing called "Independent Living".
Tonight when I will close my eyes I would again thank God for making us meet. I wouldnt want to thank Him for all the good things that are happening right now (the entire big and small of it). I would just say ----
Hey You,
Mr. Big Eyelashes...
You complain,
You crib,
You point out mistakes.....

You tickle,
You make me roll on the floor with laughter (literally)
You jump with excitement when you see me cooking.
You write notes for me..

You irritate me
You annoy me beyond imagination
You make me want to pull my hair

You make me write
You make me blush
You make me high on life

You mess up
You regret
You confuse me

You beam of confidence
You focus on us and our wellbeing
You plan on a tomorrow where we see 'us' just like how we are today

Mr. Big Eyelashes,
I wanna tell you,
I fight with you to show that I got rights on you.
I scream at you for you to know that I know you wont judge me.
I cry in front of you because I know you would still know how strong I am.
I crib in front of you because I love it when you make me understand, when you explain.
I get possessive because I am very childish about you and I like it this way. You are 'MINE'!!

And just like any other post I ended up scribbling my heart out.
I better rush now because I have to cook, clean, crib, fight, irritate, annoy, love and sleep, in no particular order.

The Bitter and Sweet of It All..

Its tough to articulate what I am thinking right now but so easy to know and confirm that I'm happy. I'm being taken care of. I am at peace. The hunt has ended, the running has exhausted, the search is tired. Its as if I am home after being worn out and completely drained from the struggles of daily life. I'm not surprised. I chose him with my innocent heart, when I didn't know the harsh realities of this world, the brutality of survival. I chose him when I was not "smart"ed by the changing times. I chose him when being worldly wise was a negative word for him. I chose him when I didn't even know what love is. I chose him and that was the end of it all.

Today he is there, right in front of my eyes, unfolding all his charm. I can see myself under the shadow of those dusky eye lashes. I can hear myself beating in his heart. I am running in his nerves and I'm not exaggerating. Take me away from his eyes and you'll see the restlessness, the disheveled breath, the lost him. Its as if he is the engulfing the soul that's me, giving the glow of life to his being.

I'm surprised at the feeling of tranquility. I have felt the extremes of all emotions, all of them. But not this quiet, this silence of relief when you can hear yourself breath, when you can sense the sound of the waves, of the breeze. The contentment that you are you and you can be you for times to come.

But all the emotions aside there is this darkness of fear in one small corner of my heart. The fear that its all a dream and there will be a barren land instead of the flowery heaven when I open my eyes. The fear that there are people ready to pour some acid on the soft skin of these pure emotions. The fear that he is scared. The fear that his hope will turn weak. The fear that he'll not be able to hold on. The fear that he'll give up.

Tonight I close my eyes, with a small prayer,

I wanna dream big
And fly high
Where there is nothing to stop me
Not even the sky high
But when I wear out
And get weak beyond control
A pair of eyes
And arms open wide
May they wait for me
At the doorway
At the corridor of my dream..
My home...

Why Marry?!

Why Marry? Well, why not? All the fears that lie in this whole phenomenon of marriage is the reason why marriages are so scary. Its about perception and wrong beliefs.
You don't marry to own someone but to have someone who you would want to sleep with and get up with and be equally happy at both times.
Its about giving your all into making it work and accepting all that he has to give into it.
Its nice to have kids whose faces look like both of you and trust him for this whole experience.
Its amazing that both of you fight like crazy but then maximum in a day or two you realize "did he eat?", "can I hug him now?", "oh I miss his smile."
Its wonderful to know there is this person who can see beyond your looks, style and charm but be into you "completely".
Its a beautiful feeling this "looking into his eyes and he looking into yours - this moment when you are just his" (no, you don't require him to touch you to make you feel you are his. If his love is genuine for you, one look, one look is enough!)
Its so soothing to cook together and so refreshing to see he likes what you cook.
Its mind-blowing to have him sing for you when he feels that whiff of romance, even if he can't sing well (you are truly lucky and its a bonus if he sings beautiful and make your heart hum along)
You feel protected to have someone worrying for you, for your safety, for your future.
Its a proud feeling to have him known by your name and you by his. He making you weak in the knees with a feather touch on your cheek, looking intently into your eyes is a different story all together (definitely an integral part of marriage, very very important!!)
There are a zillion emotions and situations, both mentionable and unmentionable as far being married is concerned and trust me not all of them are beautiful. But then marriage is all about the "todays", "the sweet nothings", "the talk", "the fights that might want to kill yourself or murder him - but get worried sick the moment your phone call to him goes unanswered". Its all about the togetherness. Its magical to be able to dream together even when you know all of them might not come true but then there is something that will remain a fact till your last breath "both of you?". All the practical reasons that people literally burn themselves being worried about are the ones which are totally uncertain, no matter how hard you try. Money, success, luxury, dream destination holidays, diamonds, gold, beach house.. All of this and more can vanish in flash of a second. All it takes is one natural disaster to shake it all up and turn it into dust. But then look out and see it will be a pair of eyes looking desparately for you, so that his hand can reach out to you and pull you out of the mess/disaster/threat (what not!).
The only thing that matters the most in a life long relationship is him and what you two share when you are together and even when you are away. Rest all can be taken care of. There is nothing stronger and capable than two people with a strong commitment of being there for each other.
Don't expect a 'lifetime acheivement award' out of a marriage. Sipping the morning cup of coffee together should motivate and pep you up enough to pull you through the day and end it well. 'Marriage', all said and done is a concept of 'sticking together through thick and thin'. Its most like friendship, the only thing is, it is a friendship with loads of benefits, which entirely depends on how and what you reap out of it. Don't expect the wrong things out of marriage. Its none of things which do not last forever. Its all those things money can't buy - peace, understanding, love, trust, respect, passion, dreams, hopes, smiles and tears.
The value of marriage is known by someone whose own marriage has failed. Ironical to know that she is not complaining how she has lost faith in the institution of marriage. Its all because when she closes her eyes tonight she knows that there is someone who is praying that he should be the person who should get the responsibility of keeping her happy and taking care of her till his last breath and beyond. She knows he is dying to hear her voice. She knows he wants to marry her not only because he loves her but also because he knows that in this whole wide world he is the only man who can make her forget all the pain and make her smile from her heart. She knows that he is making her dream again. She knows that he is counting days, he has waited long enough but is just waiting for her to go running to him and never leave after that.

Don't you think they should get married?
Don't you think she deserves to be happy and he deserves the love of his life?
Don't you think "love exists!!"?

Vitamin-Aks!!

I am sleepy beyond imagination right now but I have to scribble this out. This movie "Vinaythaandi Varuvaaya" is the most stupid movie ever made. You must be wondering why such a baseless accusation. Actually its only a question -- "How could a movie be so 'you' so 'me'??"

You should have stopped loving me,
The day I walked out of your life.
You should have stopped missing me,
The day I held someone else's hand.
You should have stopped thinking of me,
The day you saw I am not the same "innocence redefined"
You should have stopped drenching me in your tears,
The day I got so practical that I stopped seeing the truth in your eyes.
You should have stopped running to me,
The day I started looking at a different horizon.
You should have stopped looking for me,
The day I stopped being the "pretty slimness".
You should have stopped writing about me,
The day I stopped listening to your words even before they poured out of your thoughts.

What we have today is beautiful. I moved on, you didn't. You waited at the same corner of the road where I left you four years ago. Your eyes still wet, forehead still moist, hands still shivering with nervousness, your heart still hoped that I would be back one day. I saw you and I wondered what could I give you. I have lost everything including the ability to love, the ability to have my heart racing faster with every breath I take. But I know I am wrong. Your emotions are taking me to the edge of the cliff and are trying to push me into the valley of new-found emotions of my own. I am falling free because you made me feel I am capable of it yet again. This time its more special because not only were you waiting, you also made me realise what have I been missing. I was missing "myself". I don't know what happens tomorrow, I am not God after all. But I have learnt this the hard way that life has nothing to do with "tomorrows". Life is made of a hell lot of "todays". And my "todays" are filled with "Vitamin-Aks". I can never be weak again, I'm sure!!

I am falling just to fly higher this time..

This Wont Make Sense to You!

Its difficult being mature. And just a sentence typed, and I realized its been ages since I typed a blogpost from a desktop (Blackberry Dependency Syndrome!!). Right now, a few mature decisions have been taken and the issues which are difficult to handle and require a foresight which I lack have been put on hold. Reiterating the fact, I would say I am still focussing on "having fun and living it up each day".
Commitments? A Big No!! Being single is so so so much fun. It is definitely less of pain and lesser of unfulfilled expectations especially for people who like to keep a tab of it.
Am I happy? Yes!! I am happy because I am being honest to myself. After a long and hard struggle to trying to make the "wrong" sound "right", I still failed. And proudly because the morals have not died yet. I couldnt compromise with the principals I never knew I had.
Does it hurt to walk out of something beautiful? It does. But how much? That depends on how prepared you were for the pain engulfing you. I was prepared. Prepared for the fact that I wont be able to be a part of a tragic lie.
Am I missing him? Yes and No! Well, in the fight between brain and heart, sensibility and morality won. Its strange having him around as a person with whom it was an emotional relationship and now I guess it would be formal. Emotional one hurt because it was lacking the vitamin-forever and this formal one will hurt because he had become a part of my daily routine. Ok may be I am sounding totally pathetic right now but I am thinking aloud. Judge me if you wish to. All I am saying is I know I am right!!
What next? Like I said, no commitments, lots of smiles, lots of food, lots of fun, lots of "me" time with people I want to be with, with people who are there for me today.
Why am I thinking so straight? I have realised life has to be seen in black and white, wrong and right. The color mix or the grey area is actually all the illusions and mess that we create around ourselves.
I know you didnt understand anything. In fact, this entire post is actually a collage of a lot of scribbles. Currently I am happy because I am in full control of my life (ok, it doesnt sound right. but then I feel I am in control) I have a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on, a soul to breathe in, eyelashes to admire, songs to hum, a heart listening to my nonsensical and sensible words, moments to be cherished (new ones being added continuously). Life can happen to you in so many ways. Off late it is happening to me in the form of "AKS".

Let Life Happen..Shall We?

Off late I have been running away from myself, for a simple fact that a lot has been happening that I have not been able to comprehend, I thought it was better to give myself some time. Thats what I did. So that explains the long gap from blogging( one week is a long gap when you have been writing daily).
And the fingers stop on the keyboard again. I am wondering how do I write what I feel because right now it is a plethora of emotions. There is sorrow, pain, joy, thrill, a void, a smile, silence and unbelievable noise. I know I am ranting, nonsensical stuff. How I wish I was able to make sense of whats happening with me right now.
Now I guess I am just going to type away to glory:




- Can you be in love with two people at the same time? If yes, how do you justify this as fair. If no, how do you know which one is the "love" you have always dreamt of? How do you pacify the hurt caused by someone/something who has been there in your life for just 4 weeks? He never existed before that and now, after this whole "its-bye-for-good" conversation, do people just forget everything? Is it going to be awkward after this? Painful to find him not looking at me? Angry to find out that things are different now? Disappointed by the fact that something so beautiful has come to an end. But I know this one thing, I am very bad at half-hearted stuff.Its either everything or nothing. I have not learnt to fake. If I fake I would be hurt. Yeah right! Got to open my eyes and smell the coffee (quoting "the man"). So like I had said, its time to lock away the memories (throwing the "heart of the ocean" back in the ocean). If this is what you wanted then this is what it is. "MoViNg On!!!!!!!"



- What I am about to write now, actually deserves a separate post, but then I guess the chain of thoughts have to be provided with some justice as well. May 2008 "then" AKS and AMBER came to life out of no-where. She hardly knew that her shadow is breathing in a life form and he was unaware that her reason for living is about to come brush his eyelashes and place few heavenly dreams on them. Life did what it is known for, being a roller coaster ride. Thats what it has been from May 2008 to May 2012; 4 Years of thrill/trauma/pain/joy/words/meaning/life/death/then life again. (we will talk about this "joy" ride in detail soon). After 4 years, they meet again and it was as if nothing has changed, as if time had frozen and now all of a sudden the sun is shining bright in the sky, shocking the eye and melting the frozen time. Surprisingly...AKS Sings...AMBER smiles...Again.. I am not going to shell out any forecasts because it will be stupid. Fools are those beings, who think life is in the future. Life is happening now.. This second..The needles of your watch ticking away are asking you "Dude, arent you forgetting something? Yes you are.. you are forgetting to live.." I have learnt this the hard way that "Life is Happening NOW, at this very moment".
All I should say at this point of time is I am letting life happen to me.. fresh air in my lungs, arms wide open, a smile on my lips, dreams in my eyes, a song on my mind. Lets just reiterate..."They meet again.. but then.. it is just the beginning".