Illusions

She had everything
But then had nothing..

She basked in the light of the moon
She couldn't touch

She blinked at the twinkling stars
She couldn't reach

She looked in those pair of eyes
And wondered
Why she couldn't see herself

In this world of illusions
She was real but...

Writer's Block

I came to the blog.

Stared back at the keyboard staring at me.

Ready to be typed away, 

My thoughts suddenly abandon me.

The screen and me are looking at each other.

It has been a while now. 

Wait, anything worth writing?

No. None. 

Blank.

Vacuum.

Empty.

Strangely sometimes,

we get so alone,

when the thoughts,

our very own thoughts,

leave us alone,

worrying,

but still calmness prevails. 

The keyboard decides to point out to me,

It is not your day may be.

Come tomorrow.

Go.

But then I forced myself,

to type,

type away,

After all,

I could not be at peace,

without writing,

without expressing,

just staring at the keyboard.

So I typed,

typed my heart away,

typed the blankness,

the emptiness

and the vacuum too,

and then I stopped to look,

Yes,

a poem,

which makes no sense,

but then explains,

defines,

makes clear,

that it is me after all,

giving expression,

to my silence.

Monthly Updates.. Hardly... Sigh..

Can not believe the blog which was created to have daily blog updates is not even getting monthly updates. Sigh! What do I blame it on? Laziness! Maybe.. No thoughts or stories to share. This cant be the reason as my brain still thankfully continues to overwork and is capable of drawing smokey flames like an overworked machine. Also like every action has an equal and opposite reaction, the readership has gone down, IndiRank is on its all time low, I dont stand a chance in a million years to get nominated for any of the blog awards which I was quite frequently enlisted for in the last phase of my blogging. But anyways, no point regretting on what has happened. Also no point making promises when you know there are strong chances of you not becoming regular here anytime soon. But that doesnt take away from the fact that I am loving scribbling here. 

In a very very short while we will have the youngest brat in the family. Cant wait to hold the bundle of joy in my arms. Am I scared? Of course. Without a single fragment of doubt. Heart beats faster every time I think of the pain, the needles, nurses, doctors, etc etc but then all of it vanishes when I think of those flower petal like hands and feet, those tiny eyes.. I can go on and on. In these times I cant even get myself to think of anything else.

Workwise, well, the long leave continues and I am sure this time (free time ;) is never coming back so I would want to make the most of it. Though the last month has gone by taking care of health, foodwise, insulin-wise, doctor-visit wise. With Mr. Husband, fortunately, walking with me every step of the way, things have not been all that tough. 

Currently reading "The Goal" by Mr Eliyahu M Goldratt and I must say its a page turner. I would recommend it to all the management professionals/students/aspirants. The book will make you feel the heat of it all. Management is not just a fancy word. Read this one to know more.

Okay time to stop typing but before I say bye here is something I would like all of you to visit and like it if you love it. https://www.facebook.com/kaysrasoi ----> Hubby Dearest's Yummazing Recipes Page. This one offers easy recipes which will make you drool and want to learn more and cook more. 

Until next time

Smiles and Sunshine

The Pink Orchid

Mom-To-Be and Worried

Funny how I always turn to my blog when I am going through strange times. Right now with a 100 things that I want to write about, one stupid toolbar is blocking 5% view of this page. Well, that is that least of the things I am concerned about but still it does irritate you when you are already sort of bogged down. 

Okay first things first. The baby is due in a couple of months and to hell's glory I have been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. So things that were seeming quite normal till date are suddenly painted with grey fear of "complications". The doctor left no stone unturned to scare me out of my wits about what all could happen if I do not take proper medication and follow the 'correct' diet. I am scared. This thing doesnt go off my mind even for a fraction of a second. Have I unknowingly done something wrong to the baby? Will everything be normal? Am I proving to be a bad mother already? Is the baby inside me hating me? A lot of questions keep haunting me day in day out. Maternity leave has started so one does have a lot of free time. Not sure if the decision of taking maternity leave a little early was a good idea or a rushed one. But anyways I have already applied so I better do what would-be-moms do at this stage. Be healthy. Listen to the doctor. And remain happy as much as possible, even more. 

Hubby dearest is really kind and being his supportive self. He literally calmed me down after I met the doctor and she gave me the above mentioned updated. He can take care of me. I can see that and I am happy to see he cares about every tiny detail related to me and the baby. I am proud of him. Lol with this para right here this post doesnt look so depressing. Isnt it? Anyways with a husband like that life's problems dont seem like they are such a big deal. 

Also not to forget I am reading a lot and the more I read the more I feel it is such a healthy habit. Reading can help restore my sanity otherwise I can get really stressed with the latest developments. I will come back with more updates when I visit the doctor on monday, 17th June. 

Did I tell you that mom, dad and sister are coming down this friday. Yes yes!! this friday!! I am super excited. Mom is coming down after 1 year and few months. It will be such a delight to see her here everyday. It'll definitely relax me more. I hope sis and I dont fight on anything. I hope we are grown up enough and if we do I still hope mom can handle our fights like earlier days when we were kids. Lol it will be embarassing if my husband sees me fighting with sis like that. *giggles*.

It is getting to be a long post. I think I should give it a rest now. It does seem like I will be here more often but that's what I say everytime I blog. Isnt it? 

Anyways, until the next storm of emotions sets in,

Keep Shining,

Lots of Smiles,

The Pink Orchid

Of Un-Faking

Being your real self might appear to be hurting you and others around you but it is the best way to deal with your life. You have committed mistakes? Well, who hasn't? Does that mean you kill yourself or remain on a never ending guilt trip? Nay!

If you choose to be wrong then have the courage to accept. And your wrongs had seemed right to you at one point of time, no matter which godforsaken logic you put behind it. The point is that time has gone and you have moved on.

Now the question arises if you think your real self might not be acceptable, should you cover yourself in a garb of fakeness? Hell no! I know what you are worried about. The people. The people you love. The people you care about. Well, if they don't know the real you then their being with you is temporary. A flash of your reality and poof! They'll be gone.

To quote the cliche' "Don't hold them with the fake you. Treasure the ones who love you for the real you"
Another category of people who would pretend of accepting the real you but will prick you at the drop of a hat. I have only one message if you are dealing with someone like that --- "Guard your heart, Lady!"

Really,

The Pink Orchid

P.S. I have said enough.

What Do I Write About?

What do I write about? It's been so long. I have been busy and when I look back today I realise that I am re-writing my life, with words unspoken before. This is the life that I dreamt of (yes no matter how cliched that sounds). Before I begin I should mention that I have "When You Say Nothing At All by Ronan Keating" playing on my brand new Sony Vaio E Series while I am typing this blogpost.
I have been building a home for myself. My nest. It would not have been possible without him. He who is going to be the harbinger of my soul for ever and ever. He whose eyes are where I reside. I know I am sounding repetitive and boring and this post looks like just another post with few factual announcements about my life.
But the truth is I am in a state where I am feeling that I have full control of my life. Henceforth I Decide! This is a great feeling - this thing called "Independent Living".
Tonight when I will close my eyes I would again thank God for making us meet. I wouldnt want to thank Him for all the good things that are happening right now (the entire big and small of it). I would just say ----
Hey You,
Mr. Big Eyelashes...
You complain,
You crib,
You point out mistakes.....

You tickle,
You make me roll on the floor with laughter (literally)
You jump with excitement when you see me cooking.
You write notes for me..

You irritate me
You annoy me beyond imagination
You make me want to pull my hair

You make me write
You make me blush
You make me high on life

You mess up
You regret
You confuse me

You beam of confidence
You focus on us and our wellbeing
You plan on a tomorrow where we see 'us' just like how we are today

Mr. Big Eyelashes,
I wanna tell you,
I fight with you to show that I got rights on you.
I scream at you for you to know that I know you wont judge me.
I cry in front of you because I know you would still know how strong I am.
I crib in front of you because I love it when you make me understand, when you explain.
I get possessive because I am very childish about you and I like it this way. You are 'MINE'!!

And just like any other post I ended up scribbling my heart out.
I better rush now because I have to cook, clean, crib, fight, irritate, annoy, love and sleep, in no particular order.

This Rakhi..For V.V. and Vishal Ji..

2nd August, hardly 2 weeks from now, is this amazing day of Rakshabandhan. Its amazing because the year that has gone by has given me few amazing people, who I need to not only thank but demand their care and adoration for my entire lifetime.

My Guide and 'Pillar' of Support: I don't know when this bond became so strong. He has patiently listened to me crib and complain. He has laughed on the saddest of my jokes. He has pulled my leg like no other and not even once did I mind him doing that (I did mind it once "what are you doing from there?" ;). I have fought with him with all the rights (not talking to him/ignoring him for hours together). I trust him. I have traveled with him. He has protected me and has shown me the right path. He has guided me. He is someone I can't keep a secret from (not anymore!). I love to do little things for him. I can be so so happy when he is around, we laugh like mad people, no matter how stressed we all are.

I thank you, V.V., for EVERYTHING!


The Elders (the shade of care): He has made sure his care is reflected through her. I don't know when these two became family. I have become a kid again, since she has been around. We laugh as if no one is watching. I can't wait to tell her EVERYTHING! And can't stand if she is upset. She understands me and I know it through her, time and again that they care for me beyond imagination. She has let me commit my errors, to let me learn on my own but has never failed to provide a shoulder to lean on, a source of strength to depend upon. They are my shade of care in this hot, sunny, humid land of Chennai. I take rights on her and bug her to the extent of her wishing to kill me. But she adores me, i can sense it. They have become an inseparable part of my life.

I have to thank vishal ji, and not mention her separately (since it is rakhi and I know she is already cribbing about how her birthday gift is still pending and how her name is not mentioned here even if this note vividly talks about her ;) ; Vishal Ji, I will always remember you saying "ye bada bhaai hai na" ; though I am not sure if you remember saying it or not. I cant thank God enough for both of you.

So.. Dear VV and Vishal Ji, be prepared with your wrists on this 2nd of August, because with just one thread I am going to make it official that I can irritate/bug both of you for the rest of my life.

P.S. Inder Bhaai and Shravan, you guys are next!

Scribbling My Heart Out..

Today when I'm sitting alone at this coffee shop, reflecting on my todays, I realize that one needs to do this every day. Sitting at a quiet place (ok this place is not quiet) and spending time with oneself. I know it sounds philosophical and I am not spending time with myself right now. I'm rather waiting for someone. But that's not the point. The point is I'm not at peace with myself. I'm not liking my own company. I'm looking for distractions, almost intoxicated with worldly things. The thing that matters the most 'inner peace', is somehow missing today.
May be because life is moving on a jet speed and I'm not able to catch up. Thrill, excitement, plans, dreams and what not. I'm also trying to guard myself and protect myself from being hurt again. But I guess that's not possible. I can never fight against the 'unknown' - the future. I wouldn't know what are the weapons or tactics this future will use to win against me. Surprisingly I look at my future as an enemy. A very big signal of insecurity. Not right, but at least I know what exactly I have to be working on.
Being scared of the future, makes your present weak. Am I scared? No! But am I prepared? Big No!! Anyways, all said and done, its nice to have the control of my life in my hands. My choices, my wins, my losses, my lessons, my rewards.. And then someone to share all this with, who would love to listen, who respects the intellectual in me, adores the child in me, loves the woman in me, understands the human in me. I'm thankful to all the people who have helped me heal, recover and be back to life in 'full form'. The next post will have a detailed memoir of how each person around me has contributed to my 'new life'.
To conclude, I'd just say.... I am not sure if I'd win all my battles of the future but I am sure as hell gonna try. I'm armed with confidence, fresh outlook, determination, self-belief, and trust of people who mean the world to me.
I don't believe in "big talks", at least not anymore. If I'm able to spend each day with pride and sleep each night with peace, I know that I'm livin' it up! And right now, I'm not just livin' it up, I'm livin' it up 'Queen' style..

Why Marry?!

Why Marry? Well, why not? All the fears that lie in this whole phenomenon of marriage is the reason why marriages are so scary. Its about perception and wrong beliefs.
You don't marry to own someone but to have someone who you would want to sleep with and get up with and be equally happy at both times.
Its about giving your all into making it work and accepting all that he has to give into it.
Its nice to have kids whose faces look like both of you and trust him for this whole experience.
Its amazing that both of you fight like crazy but then maximum in a day or two you realize "did he eat?", "can I hug him now?", "oh I miss his smile."
Its wonderful to know there is this person who can see beyond your looks, style and charm but be into you "completely".
Its a beautiful feeling this "looking into his eyes and he looking into yours - this moment when you are just his" (no, you don't require him to touch you to make you feel you are his. If his love is genuine for you, one look, one look is enough!)
Its so soothing to cook together and so refreshing to see he likes what you cook.
Its mind-blowing to have him sing for you when he feels that whiff of romance, even if he can't sing well (you are truly lucky and its a bonus if he sings beautiful and make your heart hum along)
You feel protected to have someone worrying for you, for your safety, for your future.
Its a proud feeling to have him known by your name and you by his. He making you weak in the knees with a feather touch on your cheek, looking intently into your eyes is a different story all together (definitely an integral part of marriage, very very important!!)
There are a zillion emotions and situations, both mentionable and unmentionable as far being married is concerned and trust me not all of them are beautiful. But then marriage is all about the "todays", "the sweet nothings", "the talk", "the fights that might want to kill yourself or murder him - but get worried sick the moment your phone call to him goes unanswered". Its all about the togetherness. Its magical to be able to dream together even when you know all of them might not come true but then there is something that will remain a fact till your last breath "both of you?". All the practical reasons that people literally burn themselves being worried about are the ones which are totally uncertain, no matter how hard you try. Money, success, luxury, dream destination holidays, diamonds, gold, beach house.. All of this and more can vanish in flash of a second. All it takes is one natural disaster to shake it all up and turn it into dust. But then look out and see it will be a pair of eyes looking desparately for you, so that his hand can reach out to you and pull you out of the mess/disaster/threat (what not!).
The only thing that matters the most in a life long relationship is him and what you two share when you are together and even when you are away. Rest all can be taken care of. There is nothing stronger and capable than two people with a strong commitment of being there for each other.
Don't expect a 'lifetime acheivement award' out of a marriage. Sipping the morning cup of coffee together should motivate and pep you up enough to pull you through the day and end it well. 'Marriage', all said and done is a concept of 'sticking together through thick and thin'. Its most like friendship, the only thing is, it is a friendship with loads of benefits, which entirely depends on how and what you reap out of it. Don't expect the wrong things out of marriage. Its none of things which do not last forever. Its all those things money can't buy - peace, understanding, love, trust, respect, passion, dreams, hopes, smiles and tears.
The value of marriage is known by someone whose own marriage has failed. Ironical to know that she is not complaining how she has lost faith in the institution of marriage. Its all because when she closes her eyes tonight she knows that there is someone who is praying that he should be the person who should get the responsibility of keeping her happy and taking care of her till his last breath and beyond. She knows he is dying to hear her voice. She knows he wants to marry her not only because he loves her but also because he knows that in this whole wide world he is the only man who can make her forget all the pain and make her smile from her heart. She knows that he is making her dream again. She knows that he is counting days, he has waited long enough but is just waiting for her to go running to him and never leave after that.

Don't you think they should get married?
Don't you think she deserves to be happy and he deserves the love of his life?
Don't you think "love exists!!"?

This Wont Make Sense to You!

Its difficult being mature. And just a sentence typed, and I realized its been ages since I typed a blogpost from a desktop (Blackberry Dependency Syndrome!!). Right now, a few mature decisions have been taken and the issues which are difficult to handle and require a foresight which I lack have been put on hold. Reiterating the fact, I would say I am still focussing on "having fun and living it up each day".
Commitments? A Big No!! Being single is so so so much fun. It is definitely less of pain and lesser of unfulfilled expectations especially for people who like to keep a tab of it.
Am I happy? Yes!! I am happy because I am being honest to myself. After a long and hard struggle to trying to make the "wrong" sound "right", I still failed. And proudly because the morals have not died yet. I couldnt compromise with the principals I never knew I had.
Does it hurt to walk out of something beautiful? It does. But how much? That depends on how prepared you were for the pain engulfing you. I was prepared. Prepared for the fact that I wont be able to be a part of a tragic lie.
Am I missing him? Yes and No! Well, in the fight between brain and heart, sensibility and morality won. Its strange having him around as a person with whom it was an emotional relationship and now I guess it would be formal. Emotional one hurt because it was lacking the vitamin-forever and this formal one will hurt because he had become a part of my daily routine. Ok may be I am sounding totally pathetic right now but I am thinking aloud. Judge me if you wish to. All I am saying is I know I am right!!
What next? Like I said, no commitments, lots of smiles, lots of food, lots of fun, lots of "me" time with people I want to be with, with people who are there for me today.
Why am I thinking so straight? I have realised life has to be seen in black and white, wrong and right. The color mix or the grey area is actually all the illusions and mess that we create around ourselves.
I know you didnt understand anything. In fact, this entire post is actually a collage of a lot of scribbles. Currently I am happy because I am in full control of my life (ok, it doesnt sound right. but then I feel I am in control) I have a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on, a soul to breathe in, eyelashes to admire, songs to hum, a heart listening to my nonsensical and sensible words, moments to be cherished (new ones being added continuously). Life can happen to you in so many ways. Off late it is happening to me in the form of "AKS".

The Story of A Fat Girl

Once upon a time there used to be a fat girl. She was not fat since birth. In fact this girl was the talk of the town because of the way she looked, in other words, S.T.U.N.N.I.N.G!! She was extremely active. Dance was her passion. In fact her parents used to wonder if she'd make a career out of it. She used to spend hours dancing in front of the mirror or just looking at herself. She was proud of herself. And then one fine day, she won a cash prize of Rs. 7500/- for winning a state level oratorical competition, that was the moment she felt the joy of earning and in no time "spending". She developed a love for "butter chicken", "chicken manchurian". In a flash, all the money was spent on junk food. Money was gone but an addiction to fried spicy food was now a part of her being. Pocket money became the need of the hour. Dance was replaced by eating chips and watching TV sitting on the couch for hours, sometimes from sunrise to sunset. The lady was studying in XIIth std then and weighed 47 Kgs.

Years passed by. Initially it was magical. Nothing happened in terms of inches or pounds. But not for long. All the butter started to settle under her skin. Clothes got uncomfortable. Wardrobe kept changing. She started growing up and growing broad, literally. Life went through ups and downs - Academics, competitions, friends, relationships, family, finance all the issues that an indian teenager faces. Eating was soon connected to emotions. Happy? Eat chicken. Lonely? Order pizza with extra cheese. Sad? Guzzle a lot of chips with a chilled bottle of thumbs-up.

Now she is 25 years old and weighs 86.5 Kgs. Life has not been kind to her and continues to do so. Everyday there are at least 20 remarks on how fat she is. Her old (read SLIM) pictures (Facebook) are commented as being someone else's. Her new (read FAT) pictures (Facebook) have a lot of mockery and little or no appreciation. People who care for her provide her tips on how to lose weight and how important it is to do so. Currently, she can't afford a gym. Even if she would be able to afford it in future, the way she has become, she won't hit the gym until and unless it is upstairs or next door.

But then she knows that she is a beautiful person inside. She cares for people around her. She laughs a lot and is extremely understanding. And today when she looked at herself in the mirror, she felt proud and thrilled. Not because she looked any different than how she looks off late. Just because she had no logical answer to what she asked herself "What's stopping you from bringing back the Real You?". All she could utter was....

...Its a new day,
It could be a new start
Its never too late
To listen to your heart.

And yeah she winked at her reflection in the mirror and blew a flying kiss. The princess was back!!

Its The Choices That I Make

Its a complete rant post. Uninterested individuals should stop reading NOW. Off late, I have been thinking whether hanging out with blessed (read RICH) people gets you discouraged about the life you are leading or gets you aspiring for more. There are people who are talking of buying houses where you could buy only a teddy bear conveniently. Does a social divide exist? Does being richer earn you respect in people's eyes? Or is it your work? Or is it about the choices you make? I personally feel it is about the choices you make. People tend to enter the maddening race of competition to ensure there are people around him/her feeling jealous of them and sorry for themselves. And few people do it because they want a comfortable life. Would I want to show off when I am rich? Would I talk only in terms of 5 star hotels, top of the line clubs, diamonds and imported cars? Now when I am thinking, it actually seems funny. I might turn out to be the most nosy snobbish person around (ok let's not be so mean to me but I'd love to show off a little). I'm sure its a great feeling when someone's pupils get dilated or jaw drops after listening to how well off you are. Or would I just be happy with the fact that I have a better life and I have worked hard for it?

In the last one and a half years, I have really learnt the meaning of the word "struggle" - counting pennies, making choices. Its when you start earning that you realize that you can't have everything. And I have accepted my pocket's capability. I am not making the right choices I am sure. But I can see myself using this phrase more often --- "I don't think I can afford it". I can see myself not going weak when my bank balance reads "Rs. 1800" (and no, I didn't miss out on a zero. It is Rupees One Thousand Eight Hundred Only as on 26th May 2012 and 14 days to survive in a city without family, not a difficult task I must say). Why am I writing about this? Because this is the rough patch I would want to remember and smile. This is the reminder of certain wrong financial decisions made or may be to re-look at the source of income. It is a wake-up call about evaluation of my skills and its worth. It is a lesson that money can buy almost everything, happiness and peace too. I would want to remember this time as a proud moment when I didn't enter the trap of debt/credit/loan from known/unknown people just because it is the easiest way out.

Also at this moment I would like to tell myself ---- "Go girl, make all the mistakes in the world. This life can be lived just once. Make it as much fun as possible. Don't let others de-motivate you, judge you or pull you down. Undoubtedly, you are a strong woman who is very balanced, mature and sensitive. Don't let the world make you think otherwise. Live each day. Live for yourself. Trust me, you are the most important person in your life and you are answerable to yourself only. Who gets to stay or thrown out of your life is a completely personal choice that you have to make. And no one, trust me no one should have any say in this regard. Let people waste their time discussing or gossiping about you. It just for you to realize that neither these people nor their opinions is worth a penny. Also I would never get tired of saying this ---- Girl, I Am Proud Of You!!!"

Let Life Happen..Shall We?

Off late I have been running away from myself, for a simple fact that a lot has been happening that I have not been able to comprehend, I thought it was better to give myself some time. Thats what I did. So that explains the long gap from blogging( one week is a long gap when you have been writing daily).
And the fingers stop on the keyboard again. I am wondering how do I write what I feel because right now it is a plethora of emotions. There is sorrow, pain, joy, thrill, a void, a smile, silence and unbelievable noise. I know I am ranting, nonsensical stuff. How I wish I was able to make sense of whats happening with me right now.
Now I guess I am just going to type away to glory:




- Can you be in love with two people at the same time? If yes, how do you justify this as fair. If no, how do you know which one is the "love" you have always dreamt of? How do you pacify the hurt caused by someone/something who has been there in your life for just 4 weeks? He never existed before that and now, after this whole "its-bye-for-good" conversation, do people just forget everything? Is it going to be awkward after this? Painful to find him not looking at me? Angry to find out that things are different now? Disappointed by the fact that something so beautiful has come to an end. But I know this one thing, I am very bad at half-hearted stuff.Its either everything or nothing. I have not learnt to fake. If I fake I would be hurt. Yeah right! Got to open my eyes and smell the coffee (quoting "the man"). So like I had said, its time to lock away the memories (throwing the "heart of the ocean" back in the ocean). If this is what you wanted then this is what it is. "MoViNg On!!!!!!!"



- What I am about to write now, actually deserves a separate post, but then I guess the chain of thoughts have to be provided with some justice as well. May 2008 "then" AKS and AMBER came to life out of no-where. She hardly knew that her shadow is breathing in a life form and he was unaware that her reason for living is about to come brush his eyelashes and place few heavenly dreams on them. Life did what it is known for, being a roller coaster ride. Thats what it has been from May 2008 to May 2012; 4 Years of thrill/trauma/pain/joy/words/meaning/life/death/then life again. (we will talk about this "joy" ride in detail soon). After 4 years, they meet again and it was as if nothing has changed, as if time had frozen and now all of a sudden the sun is shining bright in the sky, shocking the eye and melting the frozen time. Surprisingly...AKS Sings...AMBER smiles...Again.. I am not going to shell out any forecasts because it will be stupid. Fools are those beings, who think life is in the future. Life is happening now.. This second..The needles of your watch ticking away are asking you "Dude, arent you forgetting something? Yes you are.. you are forgetting to live.." I have learnt this the hard way that "Life is Happening NOW, at this very moment".
All I should say at this point of time is I am letting life happen to me.. fresh air in my lungs, arms wide open, a smile on my lips, dreams in my eyes, a song on my mind. Lets just reiterate..."They meet again.. but then.. it is just the beginning".

The Not So Interesting Post

"My mind starts thinking and I start typing, just to let myself know that I'm not alone. I have my words with me. - Me"

Good things are happening. Slowly, very slowly I am building my identity in my own eyes. My confidence is on an all time high. I'm getting to be sure of myself with each passing day. Yesterdays don't scare me anymore.

Meeting new people with different perspectives and displays of "smartness",
getting to know more about the old ones around,
learning from them,
all things good and bad,
just to know what should or should not be done.

Now that you know this post doesn't hold a great promise of being interesting - "stop reading" because I'm planning to rant a LITTLE more..

Before I forget, I want to thank everybody who took time out to read my previous post. 410 page views till now feels great!!

Also, always empathize and never criticize someone in public. It could lead to a major downfall in the motivation levels of the receiver. Not only that, you would be remembered for all the wrong reasons. How you make someone feel goes a long way in how that someone is going to perceive you in future. Also your work should speak for you, not your words, not your designation and definitely not your money. You must be wondering "Why this dose of wisdom?". To that I'd say "one should learn from one's own mistakes and also from the mistakes of people around them" - the formula of 'buy 1, get 1 free'.

I'd end here. Am I feeling better? Yes!! Have I written something interesting? No!! Do I care?? Hell No!!

Yes I Am Fat...Bite Me!!

Right now, my facebook status reads this --- "I am fat. I eat a lot. I sleep less and get up till late. I am online all the time. I am just a girl who gets lonely and is running away from her own self. I am not able to put my mind to one thing. I want to look pretty in the pics. Everytime I upload a pic, I know what the comments are going to be. Inside and out, I am a big bundle of mess. But still I am glad I didn't give up, when time was rough on me. I am smiling now. Soon I will mean it too. I know.."

I am not trying to be defensive. But even if I am fat, it doesn't mean I eat all that much. Or even if I hog a lot of food, may be because I am still emotionally low sometimes and want to fill that gap by eating. I know it doesn't help but still. At least I am not sitting everyday with a can of beer and fried chicken. I mean you don't take a second to comment, to remark, the moment I take a plate to serve food for myself or the moment there is a discussion in which food is involved. The moment the word "chicken"/"KFC" is uttered, the discussion suddenly becomes about me. I upload a year old pic on FB, the comment is not about how nice that pic is but it is about how fat I am now. This treatment is eating me up so bad that now I avoid meeting old friends.

I know a lot of people are going to get offended reading this. May be my tone is not correct. May be I should just make it clear in front of people, on their faces, that "enough is enough". You are making me conscious, everytime I am eating in public. This blog post doesn't make any sense when I don't have the heart to tell people that even if I am laughing off that joke on fat people (meant only for me), something is cracking inside my heart. My smile is drooping into an upset curve.

Yeah I am not getting up in the morning. Yes I am not working out or going for a walk. Yes I am not cutting down on fried snacks/spicy food. So? Bite me!

This post is basically written to tell myself ----"Listen, you don't care!! You just don't care!! You build your own standards and live upto them!! 'Coz that's what matters at the end of the day!! So forget everything, and laugh on that "fat girl" joke along with everyone else but this time your heart should smile too. You don't need too many people to say/feel that you are pretty inside and this fat is just a phase. If you know it girl, its enough! It is enough! Muaaaaaah!"

Love,
To Me from Me :)
I am proud of you girl! (Note To Self)