The Fire in Me..

Almost three weeks of not writing anything. That was a big break! Today I came here not to write but to renovate. I changed the title of this blog. "AAS - The Beginning" was not me. Hope (aas) is a good thing but somehow to me it indicates weakness, waiting for things to happen. Hope is a tool for the victims of destiny. Similarly, "The Beginning" comprises of the story of a journey that has just started. Now when I come to think of it hope is definitely a positive beginning but if not acted upon its a mere illusion or a mirage.
At this stage of my life and times to come I'd like to write about the fire that is me. The positivity. The power. The strength. The ability to create and also destroy the wrong (in me). That's why the title now is "The Fire in Me". This title will remind me of what I am.

And if all of us come to realize our true selves. This is what we are. Fire - The truth of our survival. Our soul. The fire in us is what pushes us to achieve, to just "go for it". The fire is what drives us to the destination of goals, be it spiritual, material, romantic or a mix of it all.

The title would also be a warning that I am supposed to control this fire, to save myself from burning out. I'll have to act as the regulator of this fire, which if left uncontrolled, can unleash havoc.

I know its a little too philosophical for your taste. But I am supposed to map my thoughts if I claim myself to be someone who is expressive and dreams of being read by many.

As a last note, I still continue to write as "The Pink Orchid" because with this name I have reached out to few hearts and souls of like minded expressions of creativity. It also stresses on a very critical fact which is rarely known and much rarely understood i.e. ----

She is a flower,
Delicate and fragrant,
But when crushed,
She doesn't die,
She glows,
Inside and Out,
And then she,
Writes Her life,
With the fire in her..

Its the tough times,
the rough patches
That make her value,
The smallest of joys,
The lightest of dewdrops.
She is a flower indeed,
Dellicate and fragrant,
She writes her "self",
And she glows inside.

She, The Pink Orchid,
Writes her life titled
"The Fire in Me.."

Phew! I did explain it well. So what say? Let's bring on the energies, extreme emotions, the anger, the romance, the peace, the noise, the waves, the tornadoes...all that and more.

Let's heat up this place.. Let's light the fire...

The Bitter and Sweet of It All..

Its tough to articulate what I am thinking right now but so easy to know and confirm that I'm happy. I'm being taken care of. I am at peace. The hunt has ended, the running has exhausted, the search is tired. Its as if I am home after being worn out and completely drained from the struggles of daily life. I'm not surprised. I chose him with my innocent heart, when I didn't know the harsh realities of this world, the brutality of survival. I chose him when I was not "smart"ed by the changing times. I chose him when being worldly wise was a negative word for him. I chose him when I didn't even know what love is. I chose him and that was the end of it all.

Today he is there, right in front of my eyes, unfolding all his charm. I can see myself under the shadow of those dusky eye lashes. I can hear myself beating in his heart. I am running in his nerves and I'm not exaggerating. Take me away from his eyes and you'll see the restlessness, the disheveled breath, the lost him. Its as if he is the engulfing the soul that's me, giving the glow of life to his being.

I'm surprised at the feeling of tranquility. I have felt the extremes of all emotions, all of them. But not this quiet, this silence of relief when you can hear yourself breath, when you can sense the sound of the waves, of the breeze. The contentment that you are you and you can be you for times to come.

But all the emotions aside there is this darkness of fear in one small corner of my heart. The fear that its all a dream and there will be a barren land instead of the flowery heaven when I open my eyes. The fear that there are people ready to pour some acid on the soft skin of these pure emotions. The fear that he is scared. The fear that his hope will turn weak. The fear that he'll not be able to hold on. The fear that he'll give up.

Tonight I close my eyes, with a small prayer,

I wanna dream big
And fly high
Where there is nothing to stop me
Not even the sky high
But when I wear out
And get weak beyond control
A pair of eyes
And arms open wide
May they wait for me
At the doorway
At the corridor of my dream..
My home...

This Rakhi..For V.V. and Vishal Ji..

2nd August, hardly 2 weeks from now, is this amazing day of Rakshabandhan. Its amazing because the year that has gone by has given me few amazing people, who I need to not only thank but demand their care and adoration for my entire lifetime.

My Guide and 'Pillar' of Support: I don't know when this bond became so strong. He has patiently listened to me crib and complain. He has laughed on the saddest of my jokes. He has pulled my leg like no other and not even once did I mind him doing that (I did mind it once "what are you doing from there?" ;). I have fought with him with all the rights (not talking to him/ignoring him for hours together). I trust him. I have traveled with him. He has protected me and has shown me the right path. He has guided me. He is someone I can't keep a secret from (not anymore!). I love to do little things for him. I can be so so happy when he is around, we laugh like mad people, no matter how stressed we all are.

I thank you, V.V., for EVERYTHING!


The Elders (the shade of care): He has made sure his care is reflected through her. I don't know when these two became family. I have become a kid again, since she has been around. We laugh as if no one is watching. I can't wait to tell her EVERYTHING! And can't stand if she is upset. She understands me and I know it through her, time and again that they care for me beyond imagination. She has let me commit my errors, to let me learn on my own but has never failed to provide a shoulder to lean on, a source of strength to depend upon. They are my shade of care in this hot, sunny, humid land of Chennai. I take rights on her and bug her to the extent of her wishing to kill me. But she adores me, i can sense it. They have become an inseparable part of my life.

I have to thank vishal ji, and not mention her separately (since it is rakhi and I know she is already cribbing about how her birthday gift is still pending and how her name is not mentioned here even if this note vividly talks about her ;) ; Vishal Ji, I will always remember you saying "ye bada bhaai hai na" ; though I am not sure if you remember saying it or not. I cant thank God enough for both of you.

So.. Dear VV and Vishal Ji, be prepared with your wrists on this 2nd of August, because with just one thread I am going to make it official that I can irritate/bug both of you for the rest of my life.

P.S. Inder Bhaai and Shravan, you guys are next!

Scribbling My Heart Out..

Today when I'm sitting alone at this coffee shop, reflecting on my todays, I realize that one needs to do this every day. Sitting at a quiet place (ok this place is not quiet) and spending time with oneself. I know it sounds philosophical and I am not spending time with myself right now. I'm rather waiting for someone. But that's not the point. The point is I'm not at peace with myself. I'm not liking my own company. I'm looking for distractions, almost intoxicated with worldly things. The thing that matters the most 'inner peace', is somehow missing today.
May be because life is moving on a jet speed and I'm not able to catch up. Thrill, excitement, plans, dreams and what not. I'm also trying to guard myself and protect myself from being hurt again. But I guess that's not possible. I can never fight against the 'unknown' - the future. I wouldn't know what are the weapons or tactics this future will use to win against me. Surprisingly I look at my future as an enemy. A very big signal of insecurity. Not right, but at least I know what exactly I have to be working on.
Being scared of the future, makes your present weak. Am I scared? No! But am I prepared? Big No!! Anyways, all said and done, its nice to have the control of my life in my hands. My choices, my wins, my losses, my lessons, my rewards.. And then someone to share all this with, who would love to listen, who respects the intellectual in me, adores the child in me, loves the woman in me, understands the human in me. I'm thankful to all the people who have helped me heal, recover and be back to life in 'full form'. The next post will have a detailed memoir of how each person around me has contributed to my 'new life'.
To conclude, I'd just say.... I am not sure if I'd win all my battles of the future but I am sure as hell gonna try. I'm armed with confidence, fresh outlook, determination, self-belief, and trust of people who mean the world to me.
I don't believe in "big talks", at least not anymore. If I'm able to spend each day with pride and sleep each night with peace, I know that I'm livin' it up! And right now, I'm not just livin' it up, I'm livin' it up 'Queen' style..

Why Marry?!

Why Marry? Well, why not? All the fears that lie in this whole phenomenon of marriage is the reason why marriages are so scary. Its about perception and wrong beliefs.
You don't marry to own someone but to have someone who you would want to sleep with and get up with and be equally happy at both times.
Its about giving your all into making it work and accepting all that he has to give into it.
Its nice to have kids whose faces look like both of you and trust him for this whole experience.
Its amazing that both of you fight like crazy but then maximum in a day or two you realize "did he eat?", "can I hug him now?", "oh I miss his smile."
Its wonderful to know there is this person who can see beyond your looks, style and charm but be into you "completely".
Its a beautiful feeling this "looking into his eyes and he looking into yours - this moment when you are just his" (no, you don't require him to touch you to make you feel you are his. If his love is genuine for you, one look, one look is enough!)
Its so soothing to cook together and so refreshing to see he likes what you cook.
Its mind-blowing to have him sing for you when he feels that whiff of romance, even if he can't sing well (you are truly lucky and its a bonus if he sings beautiful and make your heart hum along)
You feel protected to have someone worrying for you, for your safety, for your future.
Its a proud feeling to have him known by your name and you by his. He making you weak in the knees with a feather touch on your cheek, looking intently into your eyes is a different story all together (definitely an integral part of marriage, very very important!!)
There are a zillion emotions and situations, both mentionable and unmentionable as far being married is concerned and trust me not all of them are beautiful. But then marriage is all about the "todays", "the sweet nothings", "the talk", "the fights that might want to kill yourself or murder him - but get worried sick the moment your phone call to him goes unanswered". Its all about the togetherness. Its magical to be able to dream together even when you know all of them might not come true but then there is something that will remain a fact till your last breath "both of you?". All the practical reasons that people literally burn themselves being worried about are the ones which are totally uncertain, no matter how hard you try. Money, success, luxury, dream destination holidays, diamonds, gold, beach house.. All of this and more can vanish in flash of a second. All it takes is one natural disaster to shake it all up and turn it into dust. But then look out and see it will be a pair of eyes looking desparately for you, so that his hand can reach out to you and pull you out of the mess/disaster/threat (what not!).
The only thing that matters the most in a life long relationship is him and what you two share when you are together and even when you are away. Rest all can be taken care of. There is nothing stronger and capable than two people with a strong commitment of being there for each other.
Don't expect a 'lifetime acheivement award' out of a marriage. Sipping the morning cup of coffee together should motivate and pep you up enough to pull you through the day and end it well. 'Marriage', all said and done is a concept of 'sticking together through thick and thin'. Its most like friendship, the only thing is, it is a friendship with loads of benefits, which entirely depends on how and what you reap out of it. Don't expect the wrong things out of marriage. Its none of things which do not last forever. Its all those things money can't buy - peace, understanding, love, trust, respect, passion, dreams, hopes, smiles and tears.
The value of marriage is known by someone whose own marriage has failed. Ironical to know that she is not complaining how she has lost faith in the institution of marriage. Its all because when she closes her eyes tonight she knows that there is someone who is praying that he should be the person who should get the responsibility of keeping her happy and taking care of her till his last breath and beyond. She knows he is dying to hear her voice. She knows he wants to marry her not only because he loves her but also because he knows that in this whole wide world he is the only man who can make her forget all the pain and make her smile from her heart. She knows that he is making her dream again. She knows that he is counting days, he has waited long enough but is just waiting for her to go running to him and never leave after that.

Don't you think they should get married?
Don't you think she deserves to be happy and he deserves the love of his life?
Don't you think "love exists!!"?

Vitamin-Aks!!

I am sleepy beyond imagination right now but I have to scribble this out. This movie "Vinaythaandi Varuvaaya" is the most stupid movie ever made. You must be wondering why such a baseless accusation. Actually its only a question -- "How could a movie be so 'you' so 'me'??"

You should have stopped loving me,
The day I walked out of your life.
You should have stopped missing me,
The day I held someone else's hand.
You should have stopped thinking of me,
The day you saw I am not the same "innocence redefined"
You should have stopped drenching me in your tears,
The day I got so practical that I stopped seeing the truth in your eyes.
You should have stopped running to me,
The day I started looking at a different horizon.
You should have stopped looking for me,
The day I stopped being the "pretty slimness".
You should have stopped writing about me,
The day I stopped listening to your words even before they poured out of your thoughts.

What we have today is beautiful. I moved on, you didn't. You waited at the same corner of the road where I left you four years ago. Your eyes still wet, forehead still moist, hands still shivering with nervousness, your heart still hoped that I would be back one day. I saw you and I wondered what could I give you. I have lost everything including the ability to love, the ability to have my heart racing faster with every breath I take. But I know I am wrong. Your emotions are taking me to the edge of the cliff and are trying to push me into the valley of new-found emotions of my own. I am falling free because you made me feel I am capable of it yet again. This time its more special because not only were you waiting, you also made me realise what have I been missing. I was missing "myself". I don't know what happens tomorrow, I am not God after all. But I have learnt this the hard way that life has nothing to do with "tomorrows". Life is made of a hell lot of "todays". And my "todays" are filled with "Vitamin-Aks". I can never be weak again, I'm sure!!

I am falling just to fly higher this time..

This Wont Make Sense to You!

Its difficult being mature. And just a sentence typed, and I realized its been ages since I typed a blogpost from a desktop (Blackberry Dependency Syndrome!!). Right now, a few mature decisions have been taken and the issues which are difficult to handle and require a foresight which I lack have been put on hold. Reiterating the fact, I would say I am still focussing on "having fun and living it up each day".
Commitments? A Big No!! Being single is so so so much fun. It is definitely less of pain and lesser of unfulfilled expectations especially for people who like to keep a tab of it.
Am I happy? Yes!! I am happy because I am being honest to myself. After a long and hard struggle to trying to make the "wrong" sound "right", I still failed. And proudly because the morals have not died yet. I couldnt compromise with the principals I never knew I had.
Does it hurt to walk out of something beautiful? It does. But how much? That depends on how prepared you were for the pain engulfing you. I was prepared. Prepared for the fact that I wont be able to be a part of a tragic lie.
Am I missing him? Yes and No! Well, in the fight between brain and heart, sensibility and morality won. Its strange having him around as a person with whom it was an emotional relationship and now I guess it would be formal. Emotional one hurt because it was lacking the vitamin-forever and this formal one will hurt because he had become a part of my daily routine. Ok may be I am sounding totally pathetic right now but I am thinking aloud. Judge me if you wish to. All I am saying is I know I am right!!
What next? Like I said, no commitments, lots of smiles, lots of food, lots of fun, lots of "me" time with people I want to be with, with people who are there for me today.
Why am I thinking so straight? I have realised life has to be seen in black and white, wrong and right. The color mix or the grey area is actually all the illusions and mess that we create around ourselves.
I know you didnt understand anything. In fact, this entire post is actually a collage of a lot of scribbles. Currently I am happy because I am in full control of my life (ok, it doesnt sound right. but then I feel I am in control) I have a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on, a soul to breathe in, eyelashes to admire, songs to hum, a heart listening to my nonsensical and sensible words, moments to be cherished (new ones being added continuously). Life can happen to you in so many ways. Off late it is happening to me in the form of "AKS".