Not Yet!

December 21, 2012 12:30 a.m. Today when I close my eyes I sense a lonely me. Or to be precise the me who is all alone. Being lonely or being alone could mean two different things. But let's not get into that. My current life could be described as a series of events which could be portrayed as the big bang theory. Only that the big bang theory gave birth to a solid earth and here I am trying to collect the pieces of me after this BIG BANG ! Its as if I attract mess like a magnet. I could define my current state as a happy state too. But I might sound totally crazy if I say I'm happy. To be more accurate I am standing by my decision with a hope that happiness will follow. This assumption may or may not be true in the end of my story. I could very well be sitting and cribbing right now. "What wrong did I do to deserve this?" Or "Why me? Always??". But I won't do any of that. I never feel sorry for myself. It is as if the whole purpose of my living is to keep going, keep exploring what life has in store for me and try my best to keep myself together in all circumstances. I know this post might be judged as a completely eccentric post. But I had to vent out. Because of no other reason than I am tired. The energy in me has drained. I want to fall like a log but my only fear is the ground on which I fall might not be strong enough to hold me. I want to give up and hibernate, just cut myself off, without having to make an effort to explain myself to me or to anyone else. I might have big warm drops of tears rolling down my cheeks right now while I am typing this because may be I am realising that I don't have the luxury to give up. I have to keep fighting till the end. I can't give my arms up because I can't accept being imprisoned. Not yet ! Letting the tears dry, The Pink Orchid

Voices in My Head

I need something to overcome the voices in my head. As night falls, the voices in my head get as loud as they can. Sometimes sad, sometimes happy, sometimes thrilled, sometimes depressed, they make sure I don't sleep. Exhausted, being weak, distracting myself with reading, tv, internet, Ah nothing helps. Its strange how this works!

Like right now, I know I need to sleep. I have to see a doctor tomorrow, practically today, its way past midnight. I have got to be in office in time. Cooking breakfast, lunch, cleaning utensils, washing clothes.. A lot of work is pending for the morning. But sleep is far far away from my eyes.

What am I thinking? Anything specific? Nope! Its a plethora of multi coloured thoughts. So many plans, certain complaints, inconveniences, worries, few joys, people around, work (both official and personal). It is as if a lot of thoughts keep waiting for the night to fall so that they could sabotage my mind and take away my peace.

While I am typing this, I, suddenly, felt something nice. My eyes are getting heavier. I can hear dreams calling. Peace is taking me in its arms. Yay! Writing does help. I'm feeling so light. Okay so before I start dancing because of the fact I blogged, let me just go sleep.

Good night y'all,

The Pink Orchid

If I Write Today..

If I write today,

I might end up drenching the paper,
With water,
Warm with anger,
Salty with disappointment.

If I write today,

I might end up saying too much,
Things that might not be rosy or kind.

If I write today,

I'll realize I have failed.
I'll realize, after all it is all an illusion.

If I write today,

I'll know it is only black and white,
There is no red or pink.

If I write today,

I might not stop,
There is so much..
It is so low.

If I write today,

I would face,
The things buried,
The things uncovered, unsaid.

If I write today,

I would suffer more.
Because I'll know for sure.
I'll realize it all.

It is not rosy or kind.
It is not red or pink.

It is shallow water with,
Sharp rocks underneath.

It is a lot of thorns,
And the flowers have dried.

It is a lot of allegations.
And the heart has cried.

Like I said,
It is only black and white.

No matter what I think,
It is after all,
Only Black and White.



Face to Face with Reality,
The Pink Orchid

Of Un-Faking

Being your real self might appear to be hurting you and others around you but it is the best way to deal with your life. You have committed mistakes? Well, who hasn't? Does that mean you kill yourself or remain on a never ending guilt trip? Nay!

If you choose to be wrong then have the courage to accept. And your wrongs had seemed right to you at one point of time, no matter which godforsaken logic you put behind it. The point is that time has gone and you have moved on.

Now the question arises if you think your real self might not be acceptable, should you cover yourself in a garb of fakeness? Hell no! I know what you are worried about. The people. The people you love. The people you care about. Well, if they don't know the real you then their being with you is temporary. A flash of your reality and poof! They'll be gone.

To quote the cliche' "Don't hold them with the fake you. Treasure the ones who love you for the real you"
Another category of people who would pretend of accepting the real you but will prick you at the drop of a hat. I have only one message if you are dealing with someone like that --- "Guard your heart, Lady!"

Really,

The Pink Orchid

P.S. I have said enough.

Not A Song, Not A Dream..

I would not want to learn a song,
which I cant sing to you.
Not a word,
which hasn't fallen on your ears.
I would not want to miss out on,
telling you everyday,
that 'I Love You'.

I would not have a dream,
which you aren't a part of.
Not a destination where,
you cannot accompany me.
I would not want to miss out on,
seeing myself in your eyes,
everyday.

I would not have an emotion,
that remains unexpressed,
or a desire,
that you aren't aware of,
I would not want to miss out on,
knowing how much you love me,
everyday.

I would not want to stay,
when you are about to leave,
I would not want to be alive,
when you would not survive,
I would not want to walk,
on a bed of thorns,
when you are not around anymore.

I do not want to imagine,
a day without you,
when I would not know,
who to wait for anymore,
cook for,
and look pretty for.

I would not know,
who wants to look into,
my baby eyes,
or have a full laugh,
when I mix,
Bihari English in Tamil.

I would not know,
who would listen to me,
when I endlessly talk,
without making any sense,
who would value my opinion,
who would appreciate,
when I act mature.

Sweetheart,
with you not around,
I would not know,
how to breathe.

Don't you see,
I can go on and on,
but I would not really know,
how I would really feel,
when you are not around.

But I know this for sure,
that there is,
not a song, humming,
not a dream, shining,
not a destination, waiting,
not a smile, glittering,
not a hope, calming
not a ray of light, twinkling
when you are not around.

You must be wondering, why such thoughts? Well, I am already missing you bad and I had to see this video on youtube (embed at the end of this post) to exactly know how intensely I feel connected to you and how indispensable you have become. I am not able to write more because these are very emotional days for me when my past, present and future are about to unite, when I am about to become one with my dreams and all that I have imagined about love.

I want you to know that when I finally have you now to love and to hold till death does us apart, life doesn't seem tough anymore.

Forever Yours
The Pink Orchid

Trust vs Acceptance and Some Random Realizations

What is Trust? Is it expecting a commitment from him of following the rules set by you? "The ideal rules of being in a relationship"? Do you suddenly control their past, present and future, since they are committed to you? Do you control their thoughts and communications? Do you tie them to you? What is this trust? Why is this called the foundation of any relationship?
Trust, to me, sounds more like a business agreement. You doing a forgery and mishandling the accounts is a breach of trust in professional terms or not following the terms of a contract is a breach of trust. But why is this word so often used when it comes to relationships? What do you want from someone when you tell them that you trust them? Exactly what happens after that? They still continue to be who they are and not the entire 100 percent of the person that they are might be falling under your definition of being trust worthy.
So the next question is why trust? Trust is a heavy duty word which once broken leaves you completely off guard. You either don't trust again and become suspicious (Read "spy like") or you trust again and somehow get hurt again because no one can change their true nature just for you. Your definition of "trust" could be as extreme as him sitting next to a girl in a local train where that's the only seat left is a breach of trust or something as realistic as he having an extra marital affair, or being an infidel to be precise will make you not trust him again.
Ask yourself? Why did you choose him in the first place? Its because you love him or its because you want to be with him as long as he loves you? And what is this so called love by the way? Physical, emotional, psychological, financial? What is it? What is love?  Providing financial security? Making her feel emotionally secure? Psychological support? Satisfying physical needs? Looking good for her? Providing luxuries of life? Or a mix of all of the above? Or is it the restlessness you feel when you are not with him? Is it love if you feel that he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?
And then what happens one day if one of the above conditions fall weak? What if he lies because he doesn't wanna hurt you? What if he was lured into a party where something "not so nice" happened? What if suddenly you are not good enough for him or he feels that he deserves better? What if he still lives his life with you but only one part of his dual life belongs to you? What if he has friends you are suspicious about? What if your suspicions are true?
Do you start feeling burdened by this word "trust"?  Do you have the energy to spy on him? Do you want to irritate him by asking 100 questions about everything he does or says? Do you want to doom your relationship?
I have a better word than "trust". I call it acceptance. You love him. You accept him with all his flaws and merits. You accept him with all his charms. The charms that might be working its magic on 10 other damsels. Don't be worried. If you are his family, if he comes home to you and if that's making you happy then that is love. The cliched statement that says "If you love him, set him free, if he comes back to you he was yours, if not he never was". It is the mantra for people in love, for people who want a peaceful relationship.
Expectations would never go. But all of them might not be fulfilled. Don't let fulfillment/non-fulfillment of small expectations decide the future of your relationship.
Now the most important question. What if he clearly becomes an infidel the moment you express that you are going to accept every aspect of him, good or bad, pleasant or hurtful? Well, the answer is very simple. What made you think that he is going to remain loyal just because you have told him you trust him? Words make no difference. He will do his own things irrespective of what you think or say. Its upto him to remain loyal or disloyal to you. But its upto you to get hurt or not.


Found a few ashes,
Of known unknown faces,
Buried in my backyard,
Hidden from my eyes..


It was important,
It was "my" backyard,
Where I was sowing,
The dreams of tomorrows.


Now it stinks,
Feels unpleasant,
I have covered it,
With fresh mud,
With a layer of grass,
Green and fresh,


After all,
It was and is,
My backyard,
At least now it is..


"I saw myself in his eyes,
With every passing moment,
And suddenly I got lost,
One day.


I was searching for myself,
Hopelessly, frantically,
Then,
I could find my shadow,
Behind a crowd of many,
In his eyes.


Now I wonder,
Whether I would see myself,
Glowing and beaming,
In those eyes again,
Or will I just keep lurking behind,
As a shadow,
As a proof that, yes,
There I was,
The only one.
There I am,
Lost, nowhere to be found.


But I would never stop looking,
And may be one day again,
I will find,
Myself,
In those eyes"


P.S. On a totally unrelated note, I totally hate people trying to communicate indirectly with me. Hate is a strong word. Let's say it is unpleasant. If I am talking to you, you might as well reply to me. If not then let me know what makes me so unworthy of a direct feedback. I guess I have spoken too much. But it was just a random self realization. "Till now what was an honest appreciation could just become a fake smile. Time changes like that."

Vent It Out, Otherwise..

How important it is to vent out your emotions? Anger, grief, joy, disappointment! You keep them inside. Thinking you are weak or may be you just wish for the right time to vent or worse, take revenge. It kills you inside slowly, making you hollow. You pretend as if you have forgotten but the feeling never goes. It keeps building inside you, almost like lava, only waiting to burst out, turning you into a volcano. And the worst part about the volcano is it can harm if it is tried to be accessed at the time of eruption. So people slowly start keeping a distance from you. They forget their wrong deeds the moment they are done. What is remembered is what is visible in front of their eyes, the aggressive you. You don't realise but suddenly you are the wrong one and the people around you are the victims of your wrath, over and over again.

Vent it out or have the ability to forget. Save yourself from becoming a volcano. It is ugly, harmful. It kills the nature surrounding it and burns itself, turning you into an emotionless, hard structure of negative energy. Remember a stone-hearted human is just a machine, tough, programmed, minus the life.

If you want to really live and enjoy the sense of being in all the big and small joys it brings... Forgive! Forget! Express! Smile a lot!


Smiles and Sunshine
The Pink Orchid