Midnight Rambling Continued

Ahhh the endless thinking train in the nights. Okay so what I was thinking is that my life doesn't make any sense right now. It's a complete chaos. Physically, mentally, emotionally, this-ly, that-ly. But what I'm also thinking is why am I holding my breath and waiting for things to get fine so that I can start living after that. Well..things they say take their own sweet time to get sorted. So now that this time that I have in my hand which in fact I have earned needs to be given full justice. What's the best use of this time? I will let the answer ring in my head for sometime.

And yes one big learning of the day. Commitment needs to be a two-way street.(be it any commitment -  professional/ personal) Always! If it's not then well..we all know what to do.

And yes I have not ranted about a particular soul ever but I need to. Baby, you have few faces and I have seen it all. Hope things get real for you soon and everything boils down to you being a one-sweet-faced person. Good luck!

Midnight Rambling

When was the last time I ranted pointlessly? I am wondering what's with me keeping myself last in my list of priorities. Though it looks like I top the list but I don't. Need to give that some serious thinking and make some changes around here. I can't save anyone if I don't save myself. My peace my happiness that way is utmost priority. Inner peace. Where are you?

She Prays..

It was a word
A mere word
Lent to her
For few minutes
She lived a lot of her dreams in it
Built few hopes on it
Smiled from within and gleamed
A word that had a promise
A promise of forever.

Though the truth is
She can't hold him or
Tie him to his heart or
Etch him in her soul
She can just burn inside
Ache for his attention
Starve for his warmth

Though the truth is
She will have to trust
That he will strive, succeed, shine
But at the end of the day
When he is drained out
He will zone out and be restless
He will look for her
He won't rest until her fingers are entwined in his.
He won't stop until her eyes shadow his

Though the truth is
That this may be her reality
Until her last breath
This may be her last hope of happiness
Or this may be her dream come true
Or this may be an illusion
Temporary and illusive

Though the truth is
That she can't lose hope
She can't let her heart lose and her mind win
She can't let go
She can't forget that destiny is strong but
Time is stronger
She can't stop being worried
About being out of mind
If out of sight

Though the truth is
That every night when she closes her eyes
she prays for this to be her forever
Somehow
Please.

Of New Beginnings

So I have not posted from so long. Last one was in December 2015. But has a lot changed since then. Well, of course. It is my life. It has never been static or saturated. The latest happening is mum's health. I hope for her to recover soon. Until then I am being the superhero, super daughter and super mum at home. 

Workwise, not much can be said on this platform or right now. But definitely loads is in store. Huge plans, self belief and dedication is being created for a recipe of achievement. Long due. But now is the time. 

About pouring few words from the heart?

My heart and mind are being a roller coaster, 
Like they have always been..
Life has been racing against itself..
Need to find that core to hold and stay on..

My 2015 Confessions

My 2015 was a lot of things. An FB post would definitely not suffice. I would want to relive some of those moments while I type away.. Please bear with me..

In 2015...

1. The screen in front of me blurred a lot of times while I typed. The keyboard got fed salty droplets, while my laptop wondered what's wrong.

2. I laughed a lot. I laughed so much that my stomach hurt. 27% of the times I was genuinely happy.

3. My sky fell short as the days went by. The sky that I got had all clouds. The earth that I got was nothing but a fallow land.

4. I genuinely picked books this year. I pledged to learn..to polish my skills..to become a better version of me. I'm still going strong.

5. I made few promises. Lived some. Broke some.

6. I gave in to the spur of the moment. I behaved immaturely more than once. Definitely not something that I am proud of.

7. I went back to my roots. The songs of the soil will always be cherished.

8. I built many illusions. Its as if you feel that you own the world but you may not have solid ground under your feet. Illusions. Yes, many of them.

9. I caused hurt and pain to few dear ones. I will remember the knot after tying two parts of a broken thread. I will remember to not fall prey again to strong temporary illogical beliefs.

10. I sat alone by the quiet river. Life is a weird thing. The more you run from it the more it engulfs you in it. I ran. Ran from myself, from the unpleasant, from the negative, from the undesirable..and stopped by this river. My reflection flickered in the water as I bent to quench my thirst. I slipped. I fell. I drowned. Now I don't run anymore.

11. I got wounds but healed too. I'm ready to wither more as I stand firm on my feet.

12. I got hit by the ocean waves and got bruised. But funny how the warm salty water of the sea doesn't let you go home injured. The sand provides you shelter. This year I fell in love with the ocean again.

13. I saw rain. Lots of it. Hopes, lives, future floating, rotting in neck deep water. But then the clouds parted to give way to the Sun. The rays shone through.

In 2015, I continued to be my complex self. I may want to go back and change few things and I may also want to go back relive few things.

55 minutes  more to go before the new year rings in. I'm planning to live each day as it comes and make the most of each moment.

Happy new year !!

Her Truth

She had storms in her feet or let's say waves...she could dance for hours..imagining an audience cheering for her and wanting to see only her performance. She was a born celebrity. Giving interviews, signing autographs, addressing crowds, receiving awards, hosting events --- right there..always under the spotlight..whenever she was alone..in her own world. She was her inspiration - her world where she completely rocks! A little more bounce in her hair and her gait.. A dress that shows her flat mid riff (precisely a T-shirt knotted a little above her waist...Lol) and the music... Loud, melodious... And the applause.. She was the queen..the most famous one with a spark in her..

But then..she grew up and saw everyone else getting defined by their muses, their companions. Who will be hers? She didn't know what she wanted. Who is that ideal companion? Voila..she realized..any Tom, Dick or Harry who likes her is an ideal companion.. She met Toms, Dicks and quite a lot of Harrys. All that glitters is not gold. True. But she ran behind the glitter. Since everyone else has something that shines... Someone who writes beautifully for someone. Someone who fights and protects someone from other creeps. Someone who makes someone laugh. Someone who makes someone cry when not around. Different shades of glitter. But not gold !! Mere stones with glossy finish..

She never realized what she wanted or who she was until that one fine day she saw the hero stretch himself out on the stage floor completely in front of his heroine while millions of fans watched. He thanked his mademoiselle, his leading lady for making him meet himself -- his real self.

She wanted someone who could give himself to her completely..surrender to her to win her heart.. Someone who will reach the peak of success and stretch his hand for her, just to prove that it's all because of her and is for her..someone for whom she could go beyond all means and limitations and it will all be worth it..someone who can be himself with her and be himself because of her..on top of it all she wanted someone she can be her real self with.

Because as a little girl, she had always imagined that one unknown stranger who means a lot to her, watching her, admiring her, being proud of her, while she sets the stage on fire!

#NotetoSelf

So many words,
Molten lava,
Over sensitive heart,
Hurt emotions,
Hyper-active brain,
Remains of few yesterday's dreams,
Fear of dreaming again,
Missing positive spark,
Lost genuine laughter,
Burst bubbles,
Comfort zone,
But need to go out of the box.
Mere survival or excellence?
So finally the judgement announced..
You are pointless.
A mere bubble
With a second long life.
The wings that you had were illusionary.
Emotions or logic?
You tried to change what you are
Now you can't be recognized.
You are a string..
Ready to break..
Go sink into that chair and wonder
Slow down because you are direction less.
The faster you go,
The sooner you will get lost.
You are judged..
Your every move..
Your every  breath,
Is being mapped.
Good? Bad? Ugly?
Lol God knows..
This is rock bottom..

Fooled by words
Always.
Then you soothe your wounds
With the salt of your tears.
What's the point?

Stop and look at yourself
Who are you?
Where do you want to be?
What are you doing about it today?

You are taking steps in the dark
You are aiming nowhere..
You are lost and no one is looking for you..

The judgement has been announced
You are pointless.